Missouri: Where mules and Jesus are king

Rep. David Sater
Missouri House of Representatives

Dear Rep. Sater,

I want to thank you personally for sponsoring the resolution making Jesus Christ the Official God of the State of Missouri. It's about time the state recognized that Jesus deserves the same exalted status as mules and paddlefish. I can't wait to see the poster.

I hope your bill is only the first step toward remaking Missouri into the new Zion. I long for the day when I see blasphemers, Buddhists, and sabbath violators locked up in stocks on the courthouse lawn. That'll set society right in a hurry, won't it.

But there are a couple of other tasks that need to be completed before the pillorying begins. First, you'll need to cleans the legislature of Satan's minions. You might consider starting with Rep. Susan Phillips. Sure, she seems like a god-fearing woman--her bill defending the parental rights of fathers who impregnate their daughters is proof of that--but her strange mutterings and the fact that her eyebrows don't move have convinced me that she might be a witch. If you're unsure, you might consider sitting next to her at a hearing and sticking her repeatedly with a pin to see of you can locate her devil's mark.

Next, you'll need to destroy Branson. If Las Vegas is the new Sodom, then Branson is definitely the new Gomorrah. Think about it. Aren't you ashamed that a town in your state markets itself as the home of acts like the Baldknobber's Jamboree and the Tall Timber Lumberjack Show. I bet the place is crawling with homosexuals.

Some might defend the Baldknobber's Jamboree for perpetuating positive stereotypes about the state and, thereby, counterbalancing the negative stereotypes the coastal elites promote about us, but dammit, the show is called the Baldknobber's Jamboree--I think that tells us all we need to know about their true agenda.

Others might argue Branson isn't all bad, citing shows like Act for God and the Lowe Family as examples of traditional family entertainment. But in Act for God's case, the title may be misleading. A picture on their website shows a skit featuring body parts. If you look closely, you'll notice a not-man standing between the head and the left hand. She's holding a ball. Case closed.

The Lowe Family is the exception that proves the rule. The part of their show where they re-enact raising the flag at Iwo Jima, albeit while wearing Liberace wear, is proof that they are not a part of Branson's hedonistic culture. Like Lott and his family, the Lowes should be spirited out of this New Gomorrah before it is leveled.

Well, that should be enough to give you a good start.

Heterosexually yours,

Gen. JC Christian, patriot

Update: I was going to call this update, David Sater is a better Christian than you. After all, he's not only a Baptist, he's a Methodist too. Then, I noticed that he's the music minister at the Methodist church in Shell Knob and that sounds just a little too dirty to me.

From his official House bio:

Rep. Sater is both a member of the First Baptist Church of Cassville and the United Methodist Church of Shell Knob, where he is with the music ministry of the church.