My response to the vile bastards who are trying to destroy America by destroying me

I've received billions of the vilest, most hateful emails imaginable over the last 24 hours. They've attacked virtually every aspect of my life, even going so far as to theatening to shear my dear little sheep, Sheila, and use her wool to commit unspeakable acts of debauchery.

Why have they chosen to attack me? Well, apparently the Francosphere is in an uproar over the first installment of my series A Story About Two Places. They are accusing me of lifting it from A Tale of Two Cities by Charles Dickens.

I won't argue with them. They're correct. I lifted the whole thing. But what they fail to tell you is that I had permission to do so. You see, I met Mr. Dickens at a Promisekeepers rally last summer and asked him if I could pass off his work as my own. He said, "sure, you look like a nice young man [everyone looks young to a man his age] have at it."

So tell me, who's the villain now?