Moving Malkin-Belsen

Michelle Malkin
Our Lady of the Concentration Camps

Dear Mrs. Malkin,

Some might call your recent internet jihad against dissent a failure. They'd point out that although your malkintruppen's death threats scared the hell out of three college students, you're the only real casualty--not only do you have to move out of your new house, but you've also lost the unquestioning support of many in the outer-party. Indeed, some might even say that you've become what you claim to despise, a dangerous demagogue, a thought-policeman bent on crushing anyone who would dare voice an ideologically incorrect idea.

Of course, they're wrong. Your noble crusade against thought-treachery was a resounding success. As an owner in Our Leader's ownership society, you have the means to move to a new undisclosed location. That's a luxury these three college students do not have. They're stuck at UCSB until they graduate, living in fear of ashen-skinned doughboys with cheeto-stained fingers. They'll think twice before they question Our Leader's policies again.

So where will you establish your new Malkin-Belsen*? Where can a patriot lead a crusade against dissent without worrying that her house might be toilet-papered. Well, if I were you, I'd be looking for a community where nearly everyone shares your views, a place like Almost Heaven, Idaho.

Although now in decline, Almost Heaven was once the promised land for men who hate brown people as much as you do. Heck, I'd venture to guess that even today, many of the town's residents use the words "jihadist" and "reconquistadores" to describe Arabs and Mexicans with nearly the same frequency as they appear on your blog.

They're your kind of people. You'd certainly feel safe there, that is as long as you took measures to hide your face (I don't know if anyone has ever told you this, but you look brown. They won't like that.) Sure they've probably seen your picture on your blog or next to your column, but I doubt they've made the connection. Who would? After all, virtually all of your posts and columns read like they were written by George Lincoln Rockwell. The good citizens of Almost Heaven probably think that you're merely showing them the face of the enemy.

So how do you get around not being seen in a very small town? A burka is out of the question. Burkas haven't been given Our Leader's seal of approval yet. You're left with only one option until that finally happens, the Tancredoic robes of the Ku Klux Klan. Think about it. It's perfect. No one would think it out of the ordinary to see you wearing Klan robes while running around doing your daily errands. If anything, they'd expect you to wear them. It's what you're all about.

Heterosexually yours,

Gen. JC Christian, patriot

*I originally called Mrs. Malkin's Camp for Brown People, "Malkinwald," but commenter 88 corrected me.