A posterboy for abstinence

Ken Mehlman
Chair, Republican National Committee

Dear Chairman Mehlman,

I can't adequately express just how thrilled I am about Our Leader's new guidelines for abstinence-only education grants. I never dreamed that the scope of these grants would be extended to target unmarried adults in addition to teens. I guess I need to have more faith in Our Leader's ability to impose his mighty will.

Convincing single adults to remain abstinent won't be an easy job. There aren't many positive role models for them to emulate. What we need is a chastity posterboy, and I think you're the man for the job. You're successful, a bachelor, and a tireless advocate for abstinence-only education. You're perfect. You'll be a fabulous posterboy.

We'll start out with a national tour, hitting local news shows and editorial boards, service clubs, chambers of commerce, senior centers, and college campuses. At each stop, you'll discuss how much you value your virginity and how rewarding your chastity has been to you.

It's also important that you talk about the difficulties you face in trying to remain chaste. I bet it's a constant battle, especially now, during wartime. I imagine that at every meeting you attend, there's a guy--probably Rummy or Deputy Leader Cheney--playing around with a model cruise missile, caressing its smooth rigid surface as he breathlessly gushes about huge payloads, powerful thrusting mechanisms, and dominating the enemy. And it probably doesn't help that Our Leader is watching wrestling on a little tee vee the whole time.

I don't know how you do it. You're obviously a better man than I am. I had to take three breaks to get through that last paragraph.

We should probably have a postergirl as well. Could you ask Condi about it. You'd better do so soon, before she starts digging in her closet for her softball gear. It'll be impossible for her to concentrate on chastity after that.

I hope you'll consider it. I think you'll find it very rewarding. Heck, you might finally meet your Mrs. Right at one of the speaking engagements.

Heterosexually yours,

Gen. JC Christian, patriot