Candidate battles Satan for Republican nod

John Jacob
Candidate, US Congress (Utah 3)

Dear Mr. Jacob,

You are right. Satan doesn't want you to go to Washington and is actively working to destroy your campaign. How else can you explain that just a little over a month ago, you beat your opponent at the Utah State Republican Convention but are now struggling to stay even on the eve of the primary. Certainly, the Prince of Darkness, aided by gentiles* and brown people, has hardened the hearts of voters against you.

Today, I saw Satan's ratfucking operation in action at sacrament meeting. I arrived early to get a good seat and found that someone had placed your campaign buttons on the pews, face down with the needles bent upward. Obviously, The Deceiver was trying to destroy you by poking worshippers in the ass with your campaign materials.

Well, tomorrow's your big day. Will Utah Republicans cast their votes for you, Tom Tancredo, and racial purity, or will they cast their lot with Cannon, Satan, and Mexicans?

You know Beelzebub and his minions will be out there getting out the vote for your opponent. You'll need to counter their operation by stationing at least one pair of elders at the entrance of each polling place, where they can take hold of the voters as they arrive, anoint them with oil, and then use the power of the holy Melchizedek Priesthood to rebuke the demons inside them.

After that, it's all in God's hands.

Heterosexually yours,

Gen. JC Christian, patriot

p.s. You might also consider arming the elders with pointed sticks to use against the Mexicans.

*In Utah, all non-Mormons, even Jews, are considered to be gentiles.

A helmet tip to Darryl of Hominid Views.