Maybe he should have considered wrestling

Derek Stevens
Real Estate Developer
Candidate, Bend City Council

Dear Mr. Stevens,

I don't know why so many people are offended by your posts at the Gorillamask Spank Bank Forum. Especially the one where you posted the photo of the television reporter who interviewed you, calling her a "little hotty." Sure, the post encouraged other comments like "[you] shoulda knocked her out and had your way with her" and "[she] would look nice knocked out and curled up in the trunk of my car," but you deftly handled them by making complimentary comments about the reporter's body.

What these people don't realize is that after years of feminist and homosexual propaganda, men who seek important positions in government have to go to tremendous lengths to prove their heterosexuality. Heck, it's bigger than that. It's true for all men these days, regardless of whether they're running for office or not.

That's why we gather to objectify women at forums like Gorillamask Spank Bank. It provides us with an opportunity to revert back to our adolescence, a time when things like the appearance of pubic hair and the ability to produce potent man juice finally convinced us that we were indeed men just like our fathers, but perhaps even more importantly, our adolescent-like objectification of women allows us to allay our fears that we might be mistaken for homosexuals.

But perhaps posting misogynistic comments to a soft porn site isn't the best way for a politically ambitious man to prove his heterosexual bona fides. Our Leader's new Secretary of the Treasury, Henry M. Paulson Jr, has a better way of doing it. He challenges his colleagues to wrestling matches. Nothing proclaims a man's heterosexuality better than grappling another guy's sweaty body while clothed only in a spandex singlet.

Heterosexually yours,

Gen. JC Christian, patriot

A helmet tip to reader Jane for pointing me to the info about Sec. Paulson's wrestling passion.