Vengeance

Rep. Marilyn Musgrave
United States Congress

Dear Rep. Musgrave,

I was very sorry to hear about the recent assault against your office. Some people might think shoving an envelope full of dog doody into a mail slot is funny, but unlike your local police department, national-security-oriented bloggers like myself see it for what it truly is, a biological attack launched by Francoliberalislamunists from Mexico.

Unfortunately, your options for retaliation are rather limited. We've already revoked most of the Bill of Rights. All that's really left is the Third Amendment, and although the quartering of soldiers in private homes sounds like a good idea at first, in practice, it means having brown people in the house. Think of the panic that would cause. There aren't enough countries in the world we could nuke to ease that kind of fear.

Thankfully, you won't have to take such drastic measures. You have the backing of one of the Heartland's greatest heritage appreciation societies, the sheet-clad Knights of the Ku Klux Klan. As a Klan-endorsed candidate, you are entitled to all the benefits the Klan has to offer. That includes a cross burning at a residence of your choice.

Now, I know you've been hoping to save it for a Planned Parenthood Clinic or a migrant worker camp, but you can't let this kind of dog crapping go unpunished. Mrs Ensz must be forced to pay for her act of terrorism. I say you cash in on your cross burning privileges at her house.

Heterosexually yours in a way of which my wife, Ofjoshua, would approve,

Gen. JC Christian, patriot