I'm Mr. Rogers! You fork wit me, you forkin' wit da best!

Ray Lines
Cleanflicks.com

Dear Mr. Lines,

I'm very upset with the black-robed libertines who ruled against your right to edit the work of others. Now, I wish I'd bought your Scarface/Reservoir Dogs twin-pack to watch while I'm waiting for my morning Postum to brew--there just aren't that many movies out there short enough to serve that purpose.

I still believe your idea was a good one. Heck, we all want to say we've seen the latest films, but only the godless want to sit through that much sex and foul language. That's why I'm praying that you'll consider my plan to keep Cleanflix going.

As I understand the ruling, the judge only barred you from editing the films--he said nothing about remaking them. That's what I think you should do.

I know what you're thinking. It would be very costly to reshoot a blockbuster, but that's the beauty of my idea--you don't have to reshoot a thing. All you need is the editing equipment you already own.

See, you go out and get all of the footage you can of old TV shows. Look for things that aren't aired much anymore--they should be cheap. Then simply edit them to approximate the storyline from the latest blockbuster. It doesn't even have to close to the filmakers original work. Your bowlderized versions certainly weren't.

Think about it. After few hours of editing, you could produce the story of Mr. Rogers, a man who arrives as a stranger to the neighborhood. But after he eliminates his rival King Friday XIII, he becomes the Don of the Kingdom of Makebelieve. Bingo, you have a family-friendly version of Scarface.

I hope you'll consider it.

Heterosexually yours,

Gen. JC Christian, patriot

Elsewhere: Tbogg's take (I had to completely rewrite this post after I saw he beat me to the 12-minute Scarface line)
Colonel John's guestletter to Cleanflicks.