Rescuing the tiniest Americans

Sen. Sam Brownback
United States Senate

Dear Sen. Brownback,

I really enjoyed your presentation on the rights of blastocyst-Americans. I was particularly impressed by the drawing the little girl made showing the unhappy frozen blastocysts who failed to be adopted into good Christian homes--they were extremely cute little clumps of protoplasm despite the frowns they had on their crudely drawn faces.

It got me to thinking that the reason we have such a hard time convincing people to defend these tiny citizens might be because actual blastocysts-Americans are pretty gosh darned ugly. It's just very hard to like a glob of goo. By gussying them up in her drawing, the little girl made them endearing. That's why your presentation was so successful.

I'd like to do the same thing for spermatazoan-Americans. They too suffer the curse of not being very photogenic. I think that might be the reason so few men protect them as I do by storing them in mason jars down in the cellar.

Being a heterosexual man, I don't know a lot about making things pretty, so I asked my wife, Ofjoshua, for a little help. You can see the results of her efforts in the enclosed photo--my, that's a fine looking bottle of spermatazoan-Americans, isn't it.

I'd like to send it to you, so that you could use it in a presentation on the plight of these squirmy little citizens. Perhaps you could use it to pass a bill requiring men to do more to save them.

To which office should I send it, DC or Topeka?

Heterosexually yours,

Gen. JC Christian, patriot