Manifest Destiny

June Griffin
GOP Activist

Dear Mrs. Griffin,

Running for Congress isn't easy. It drains a person physically, mentally, and spiritually. Victory is a powerful tonic, but it often takes years for unsuccessful candidates to recover. I was very worried that would be your fate, and I thank the Lord I was wrong. You haven't missed a step.

Indeed, it looks like you've been very busy lately. First, there was your attempt to prove that Rhea County's law criminalizing homosexuals (the people, themselves) is not discriminatory because the county is 100% heterosexual. It was an ambitious undertaking on your part. It surely can't be easy to ask nearly 40,000 people if they're friends of Dorothy, but, apparently, you did.

It was quite an accomplishment. I bet it was very disappointing to learn that at least one resident, Daniel Shipley, initially lied to you, and then later claimed that there's a whole passle of homosexuals in Rhea County.

More recently, there was the incident at the Mexican grocery where you were arrested for teaching the store owners a lesson in American history. Yes, I understood what you were doing even if the police didn't. They called it theft of a Mexican flag, but we both know you were teaching them about Manifest Destiny, the belief that God commands white Christians to free brown people from the burdens of property ownership.

Now, I don't know what you're going to do next, but I'm wondering if you couldn't apply the tactics you employed in the Mexican grocery incident to gathering better information about homosexuals in Rhea county. Specifically, I'm thinking that you could break into every house in the county during the night to see if the occupants are engaging in homosexual acts. That way you won't have to depend on what they report, you can see it with your own eyes. And if they're brown, you won't have to leave empty handed.

Heterosexually yours,

Gen. JC Christian, patriot

A helmet tip to commenter Indy.