Spanking America

Ron Boehme
GOP Candidate for WA House of Representatives

Dear Mr. Boehme,

I'll admit that I got a little excited when I read your statement that "America is a wicked nation that deserves to be punished." Who wouldn't? Your words immediately conjure up a vision of American bending over a chair, its bare butt exposed, waiting for the sting of your Terrible Spatula of Redemption.

After a few minutes of frenzied yet very satisfying reflection on those words, I decided to check out your campaign site to see if you were worthy of my support. I wasn't disappointed. You seemed to hit all of the right themes: America is a Christian nation; homosexuals are destroying our nation; divorce is evil; we're at war with both Islam and secularism; Washington State needs a good NASCAR track; etc.

But I wonder if your message couldn't be tightened up a little bit by combining some of your issues. Take your plans for a NASCAR track for instance. How would your base react if you said we needed a NASCAR track so we'd have a place where the saved could chase down homosexuals, divorcees, and secularists in high-performance cars and apply a little of God's retribution and rubber to their sinful, non-Christian asses? I think it'd motivate them to get out on election day, don't you?

Heterosexually yours,

Gen. JC Christian, patriot