Never accept defeat

Sen. Joe Lieberman
United States Senate

Dear Joe,

Every Thursday night, a bunch of us guys get together to watch videotapes of Our Leader's speeches and do other manly activities. There's been a lot of tension around the circle lately. All the guys are worried that Our Leader will lose enough of his faithful servants in Congress that he will no longer have the backing of the majority. They're particularly worried about the Senate. It looks like it's going to be very close, and the results of your race could make the difference (nobody really believes you'll caucus with the Demoslamunists).

I tell them not to worry, because you don't give up. "Losing the primary didn't stop Joe," I say, "and losing the election won't stop him either." I just hope you're prepared. I'm worried that you're not.

If you lose, your only option will be to refuse to vacate your seat on the Senate Floor. When Lamont comes in to take it, you must be there to defend it, preferably with nun-chucks, although a pointed stick might do.

That's why I'm worried. You don't appear to be taking the steps you need to prepare for the fight. You're as skinny as you were eight months ago. You'll need to bulk up.

You also need to look a little meaner. I suggest a close cropped mohawk, dyed black. It'll cause Lamont to be more cautious. He'll hesitate, and then, BAM, you nail him up side his head with your nun-chucks. Then it's just a matter of stepping over his unconscious body, doing a couple of those cool nun-chuck moves, taking your seat, and daring Sen. Reid to say something.

I'd be glad to give you some training tips.

Heterosexually yours,

Gen. JC Christian, patriot