A Predatorgate Blame Primer

So who's responsible for Mark Foley's predation of the House page lounge and the resulting coverup? The French are blaming Foley and the House Republican Leadership, claiming that the former is responsible for his own actions and the latter failed to stop the Foley after they learned of his predatory behavior.

But we know better. Foley, Hastert, Boehner, Reynolds and Shimkus aren't the villains here, they're the victims. We know that because they, along with Glenn Reynolds, Matt Drudge, Rush Limbaugh, Joe Lieberman and others, tell us that's the case. They're the most credible men in America. We trusted them when they told us about Iraq's weapons of mass destruction and Saddam's connection to terrorism and 911. We can trust them now.

The problem with their argument is that it's far more complicated than the one the French are using. It confuses people. We need to simplify it. That's why I've created a short Predatorgate Blame Primer for each of the victims.

Victim: Mark Foley

Claim: Foley preyed on young House pages, grooming them to be his sexual partners and sending them sexually explicit messages.

The villains: The pages (identified by Drudge and InstaGilbert).

How they did it: The pages used a combination of homo-mojo and the siren-like allure of their manly bulges to bewitch Foley, forcing him to take an interest in the length of their little soldiers and the ways in which they pat their robertsons.

Victim: Rep. John Shimkus (R-IL)

Claim: House Page boardmember Shimkus assisted Foley by serving as his page pimp. After learning of Foley's predatory interest in the young pages, he held a "slave auction" where pages bid for the opportunity to be Foley's date for night.

The villains: Rep. Nancy Pelosi and Rep. Dick Durbin. (identified by Shimkus).

How they did it: Pelosi and Durbin used their influence to prevent Sen. George Felix Allen's allies in the House from introducing a bill that would limit participation in slave auctions to brown people. If that bill had become law. The pages would have never had an opportunity to bid on Foley.

Victim: Rep. John Boehner

Claim: Boehner was told about Foley's predatory ways and did nothing.

The villains: Hastert, but not really.

Huh?: Somebody's responsible but it isn't Boehner and it isn't Hastert...or maybe it is Hastert...but it couldn't be, he's the Speaker.

The French assert that Boehner's waffling is a sign of guilt, but the truth is that he's easily confused because he's distracted by people mispronouncing his name as "Boner." It's a very embarrassing mistake when you're involved in a sex scandal. Of course, the Democrats are ultimately responsible. Thomas Jefferson told Rep. Boehner's great great great grandfather that he'd be more successful getting an officer's commission from the Continental Congress if he changed his name from Benton to something more French sounding, like "Boehner." Jefferson hated Benton because Benton loved America. He knew that the name would come back to haunt his foe and his descendents.

Victim: Rep. Tom Reynolds

Claim: Reynolds ignored Foley's page stalking after the Foley contributed $100,000 to the campaign committee he chairs.

The villain: John Aravosis (identified by Sean Hannity.

How he did it: Aravosis is the control agent for a cell of proud, homosexual closet Democrats who pretend to be self-hating, closeted, Republican homosexuals. He ordered one of his agents, Kirk Fordham, to become a staffer to, first, Mark Foley, and then to Tom Reynolds. Once Fordham was in place, he provide Foley's AOL password to Aravosis who used it to download incriminating emails and instant messages from Foley's computer. Aravoisis then commanded Fordham to use his secret homosexual powers to compel Reynolds to cover up Foley's predatory behavior.

Victim: Speaker Dennis Hastert

Claim: Hastert covered up Foley's predatory behavior.

The villains: Democrats, George Soros, Michael Moore, and the Mighty Clenis of Iniquity (Identified by Hastert and the Official Television Networks of the Glorious Conservative Cultural Revolution)

How they did it: Klinton, funded by Soros, bought mind control technology from a band of rogue Reptiloid aliens from the Regulas Star System. The Democrats used the technology to cause Foley to prey upon the pages and to compel the Republican leadership to cover it up. Once the story broke, they used it to cause Hastert, Reynolds, Shimkus, and Boehner to blame each other.

And Michael Moore is fat.