The Republican Party's Future

Things look bleak for the GOP right now. Between bribery convictions, corruption indictments, and sexual predator cover-ups, we're likely to lose nearly every member of the House Republican Caucus by 2008.

Thank God we have a very deep bench. There are hundreds of Republican candidates in the down-ballot races who have what it takes to run for Congress in the next election cycle. I've profiled a few of my favorites below.

Candidate: Tony Cunningham

Position: District 3, Texas State Board of Education

Qualifications: Mr. Cunningham is invisible. Nobody knows anything about him. He takes great pains to keep it that way by foregoing employment and hanging up on reporters who call him. The Mighty Clenis of Terrible Vengeance won't be able to find him, let alone bring him down with its secret powers.

Candidate: Brent K. Schepp

Position: Kane County (IL) Board

Qualifications: Mr. Schepp's devotion to the American family is one of his greatest selling points. That's why the Kane County Republican Committee highlighted it on their candidates page, writing: "He understands the needs of today's families and is qualified to lead Kane County into the Future [sic]."

More importantly, Schepp is not a homosexual, and as of yesterday, he has the rap sheet (14 counts of criminal sexual assault, 10 counts of criminal sexual abuse and two counts of unlawful delivery of alcohol to a minor) to prove it.

Candidate: Rep. Russell Pearce

Position: 18th District, Arizona House of Representatives

Qualifications: Confederate-Americans will lose a powerful advocate in the Senate if George Felix Allen is defeated in November. Fortunately, we have an Arizona Republican waiting in the wings to fill that void in the next cycle.

Rep. Pearce's love for Our Lord is only surpassed by his hatred of brown people. That's why he emails National Alliance articles to his friends, decrying the media for presenting a "single view of the world, a world in which every voice proclaims the equality of the races, the inerrant nature of the Jewish 'Holocaust' tale, the wickedness of attempting to halt the flood of non-White aliens pouring across our borders . . . "

Candidate: Bill Montgomery

Position: Arizona Attorney General

Qualifications: One of America's greatest Presidents, Calvin Coolidge, once said "America's business is business." Bill Montgomery not only understands that, he practices it by bringing Republican business values to his campaign. That's why he hired illegal immigrants to appear in an ad blasting illegal immigration. Hey, they're a heck of a lot cheaper than actors with SAG cards.

Candidate: Richard Brees

Position: Jefferson County (WA) sheriff

Qualifications: Richard Brees is Tom DeLay without the connections to Saipan sex slavery. In other words he's a fighter. One Jefferson County citizen, a neighbor whom Brees assaulted, knows that. Soon, the rest of Jefferson County will witness it as well when Brees takes them to court, suing them for his arrest.

Candidate: Hugh Foskett

Position: 43rd District, Washington House of Representatives

Qualifications: Yes, I've already profiled him once, but how can you not love a conservative Christian who gets drunk, puts on a sombrero and a sailor suit, and yanks his buddy's little soldier.