Ask Nezua: El General de Jesús Home Version.

WE BEGIN THIS EVENING'S ESPECIAL EDITION OF Ask Nezua™ (Sponsored by Google Results in My Stats®) with a final thanks to our host, El General de Jesús. I've enjoyed his leather chair, and hope everything has gone smashingly well with his day.

Moving right along and checking The Unapologetic Mexican's stats we are given a few very interesting queries.

OUR FIRST QUESTION IN TODAY'S SHOW is a rather casually-phrased one. And that's good. It always helps to address Google in an intimate manner. They say "Google Is Your Friend," after all. Not "Google Is A Robot Spy With a Photographic Memory And An Alliance With the Corporate Military Medical Industrial Complex," or ya know. Something like that. However, while Google does enjoy such familiarity, unfortunately, my control panel software seems to be suffering a cultural gap or something. Because your wish for knowledge, upon pinging my website, elicited this response:

Before I move on, I must apologize for my software. It doesn't have the proper updates, or it would first have congratulated you on attempting to enlighten yourself. Because you deserve a round of applause in my Mexican opinion. Also, if my software were up to date, it would not be laboring under the false impression that information online is suspect. Cursed machines! They can't even believe in their own kind.

Well, I—speaking for all humans of Mexican blood, as well as for the trees and rocks and sand and ancient temples and bananas of Mexico—do thank you, Conversational Googler.

OUR SECOND QUERY COMES FROM a curious and visual sort, who wants to see a "diagram of how many Mexicans are fat." Well, I don't have much to say on this one, intrepid typist—aside from I sure do know what you mean!

In fact, you have accidentally stumbled upon a long-standing and quite vexing problem for us Mexicans. We also very much want diagrams of fat Mexicans, too. Perhaps a nice rotund pie chart (mmmm! I'm drooling into my gluttonous brown folds of belly blubber as I imagine it!), or even a flow chart of some type. Something. The problem is, there are so many fat Mexicans that we can't fit them all in the graph! At the last board meeting, someone claimed that the Maya had a solution, but sadly they had to go and destroy themselves before creating the first stone diagram of Fat Mexicans. Who knows how long until we solve this one?

NEXT IN LINE OF PROVOCATIVE AND IMPORTANT QUESTIONS ABOUT MEXICANS is actually directly related to the last question posed. While this seeker does not begin with any sort of colloquialism such as "yo," or "'sappenin'" or "hey chowderhead," they at least are polite and using proper English, (which of course, doth really please the Mexicans of this world). The question, "How did Spaniards treat Mexicans?" can be answered very simply. And that would be "fantastically!" Man, what divine men they were.

Dig: they rode wooden ships across oceans to arrive at the shores of Mexico over four hundred years ago (that is what you call Staying the Course, and something El General would understand), bursting with pride and vigor over their "Holy Religion," (well...and to find gold) determined to save the poor backward lot of us (well, I wasn't there, but you know what I mean, yo) and to this day, we are muy, muy grateful. Sure, it's true that the last throes of the "conquest" (as some Negative Naldos like to call it) ended up—eventually—with the Mexicans rising up against the Spaniards who had established bases of operation and residence in Mexico with machetes, sticks, stones, and even stampeding animals until they drove the invaders from their shores...but that's what happens when you bring a better life to people who are slow to appreciate it. It just takes a little while, half a millenium or so. All the anger has gone away by now, and Mexico is a peaceful land reveling in prosperity and a harmony. Shouts out to the Spaniards who knew what was best for all of us!

FINALLY, WE COME TO A ENTREPRENEURIAL SORT who wants to know "Is there a Mexican Rummy?

To which I can only say Yes!


And here he is:

Thank you for playing, Señores y Señoras! And thank you for all your kind words in the comments. Perhaps one day we shall again meet. Keep up the glorious fight for Christmas, compadres. Adios for now, and remember: Don't hate us because we're beautiful. Hate us because it was us working hard in the fields who made sure as a child you had all that Spinach you couldn't stand.

¡Que Viva el Amor!

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Nezua Limón Xolagrafik-Jonez blogs as The Unapologetic Mexican. Behind the scenes of NLXJ, Señor Herrera is an author and an artist, and while he does not always write satire, it is his secret religion. It is such a worldview that allows him to cohabitate a planet with such people as Pat Buchanan, Bill O'Reilly, John Gibson, Alberto Gonzales, Lou Dobbs, Jim Gilchrist, and George W. Bush without going utterly mad.

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