Islamolaser eyes

Ann Althouse
Jethro Bodine Professor of Law
University of Wisconsin

Dear Miss Althouse,

While I applaud your attempt to justify the use of sensory deprivation goggles on potential dirty-bomber arson plotter Chechen resistance recruiter Jose Padilla, I wish you had imagined a more comprehensive explanation, one that would have justified the other extreme measures used against this extremely dangerous brown man.

Sure, your blinking-coded-islamunistofascist-terror-plans-to-dentists theory explains the goggles, but what about the years of isolation? Certainly you can't isolate a man if there's a dentist in the room.

That's why I think you should stop using the blinking-code-at-dentists justification and go with something more plausible like a he-shoots-deadly-Islamolasers-out-of-his-eyes theory. Not only would it explain the goggles and isolation, it'd cover everything else as well: they kept his cell cold so that much of his laser generating energy would be redirected to shivering; they pumped him full of LSD and PCP to disrupt the laser's wavelength cohesion within the gaussian refractory located midway between the cornea and retina (the Limbaugh Effect); stress positions forced Padilla to point his Islamolasers at himself; and if his interrogators needed to act quickly to him from lasing them, they'd threaten to cut him and pour alcohol on his wounds.

I'm sure you could come up with much more, especially if you experimented with the Limbaugh Effect. Maybe there's even a publication opportunity in it for you. You'd be breaking new ground with an article on the use of the laser eyes defense in Fifth and Eighth Amendment cases, but then I suppose the blinking-coded-islamunistofascist-terror-plans-to-dentists defense is a new one as well.

Heterosexually yours in an OfJoshua approved and biblically acceptable kind of way,

Gen. JC Christian, patriot