Loincloths and bear songs

Donnie Davis
Newly Ordained Heterosexual
Love God's Way Ministries

Dear Mr. Davis,

It's great to finally have you on our team. I think you'll enjoy the heterosexual lifestyle, especially the patriarchy. It's my favorite part; that and the Frito pie, the wrestling and the towel snapping; it's all good.

I love your song, "The Bible Says (God Hates a Fag)." I saw the video on the internets tubes. My friend, Pam, showed it to me. She's nice, but sometimes I wonder if she's fully committed to the heterosexual lifestyle. Anyway, you sing real purdy.

Are you going to do any other biblically-based songs? A song and video about Lot giving up his daughters to a horny mob of Sodomites would be a great missionary tool. And given the willfulness of children these days, a song about how the Prophet Elisha sent she-bears to eat the children who mocked his baldness is certainly needed.

Pam also showed me your list of bands who promote homosexuality. It's a good list. You have all of the usual suspects, The Doors, Cole Porter, The Eagles of Deathmetal, The Village People, Ravi Shankar, etc, but I have to wonder why you left out Ted Nugent. The man sings songs about "bears" and wears a loincloth for heaven sakes.

Loincloths have special powers, special evil powers. A man, no matter how committed to a heterosexual lifestyle he might be, can't resist staring at a well-filled loincloth. The staring leads to all sorts of impure thoughts. Throw in a song about a bear, and the next thing you know, you're in a dingy Vancouver dive trimming some lumberjack's timber for smoke money.

So please consider adding Ted Nugent to your list. The guy's a one-man recruitment machine.

Heterosexually yours,

Gen. JC Christian, patriot