The War on Sunlight

Red Cavaney
President and Chief Executive Officer
American Petroleum Institute

Dear Mr. Cavaney,

Although the oil industry would derive some benefit from Our Leader's plan to fight global warming by blocking the sun rather than limiting fossil fuel emissions, I worry that the proposal doesn't provide the petroleum industry with other profit opportunities. Companies like Halliburton, Boeing, Bechtel, and Lockheed-Martin are sure to get multi-billion dollar contracts for space mirrors and giant parasols. But what about Exxon-Mobile? I doubt the near-space construction vehicles will be burning diesel fuel.

Perhaps you should lobby Our Leader to include funding for the creation of a petroleum-based sunscreen that could be applied to what's left of the polar icecaps. Think about it. The beauty of this idea is that it's not simply a one-shot contract. The government will need to apply your sunscreen every few hours for millions of years. It's guaranteed to become your biggest profit sector, dwarfing everything else you do.

I hope you'll consider it.

Heterosexually yours,

Gen. JC Christian, patriot

A helmet tip to Le Monde.