24: the Reality Show

Jason Apuzzo
Hollywoodistan Martyr

Dear Mr. Apuzzo,

I haven't heard back from you in regard to Cheneystein Meets The Falafel Man, the dinosaurs vs Noah and the angels project, or any of the other pitches I've sent you. I suspect that's because you're still having a hard time selling patriotically-themed projects in Hollywoodistan. Feel free to add a little anal sex to my ideas. Bill Donohue says that's what those Jewish movie producers are all about.

I have another idea I'd like to pitch. I call it 24: the Reality Show. It's a reality/action show that's a cross between 24, Death Wish, and Project Greenlight. I'm thinking television--I bet ABC would be game--but it could also be a feature film.

Imagine this. 24 creator Joel Surnow puts together a team of patriotic actors, directors, and producers and leads them on operations against America's internal enemies. They could begin with the school marmish brigadier general and the military and FBI interrogators who complained that the torture scenes in 24 were hurting the war effort.

That's your pilot right there. You show a torture scene from 24 before the opening credits and end the show with the same torture methods being used on the America-hating general and interrogators. Heck, Kiefer Sutherland could be featured in both shots, first as Jack Bauer and then as himself.

Of course, we'd need to include some hot, sweaty, Donohuian anal-sex in there somewhere. I'm thinking Ron Silver for that. Maybe a cameo by Rush Limbaugh as Silver's partner. Picture it. Man, I can almost hear the moaning and screeching as I type this.

I don't think we can add a "positive immigrant maid" role for Mrs. Apuzzo this time. Times have changed since San Pedro. We'd lose our target audience unless we turned the role into an "negative immigrant welfare cheat." Or maybe she'd rather write guest pieces for the LA Times complaining about why 24: the Reality Show isn't being made. She's done a lot more of that than acting in the last few years. It's too bad her screeching jeremiads don't count as credits in her IMDB profile.

Well, please keep me updated on any progress you make pitching my ideas. And don't forget the anal sex. It's going to make all the difference for you.

Heterosexually yours,

Gen. JC Christian, patriot

p.s. Any progress on that Joe McCarthy project you're doing with Mr. Coulter? I'm eager to see it. It's about time he was depicted as a hero.

Helmet tip: chicago dyke