Principal, Brooksville Elementary School
Dear Mrs. LeDoux,
I just finished reading about how you tried to raise test scores at Brooksville Elementary School by anointing the students desks with oil. How did that work out for you? I ask, not because I lack faith in the Lord, but because I know what a mess oil can be. My neighbor, Mr. Garcia, often anoints my wife, Ofjoshua, with oil when she goes over to his place for bible study. She comes back slicker than a greased pig, and the oil gets all over everything. It'd make me mad it didn't fill her with the joy of the Lord. She's absolutely glowing when she comes home.
You'd think that the oil would soak through the tests the moment you laid them on the desks. That could affect the scores. Next time, you might consider bringing in a snake handler. Sure, you risk killing a couple of students whenever you handle serpents in the classroom, but only those who lack faith succumb to the venom. Their lack of faith would probably affect their test scores anyway. God doesn't help unbelievers; he damns them to Hell. So knocking off a few will undoubtedly raise the schools average.
Heterosexually yours in a chaste and biblically appropriate kind of way,
Gen. JC Christian, patriot
A helmet tip to Mrs. Stinkeye.