Petroski the Conquerer

John Petroski
Opinion Editor, The Recorder
Central Connecticut State University

Dear Mr. Petroski,

It was only a matter of time before the academislamunistofascists attacked you. Indeed, I'm surprised it took them so long. I'd have thought they'd come after you for the column in which you lamented the sad, sorry plight of the white Christian male or the editorial on the assault on our right to own uterine property. Instead, they waited for your piece about the joy of rape.

I know you're now saying that it was meant to be humorous, and I suspect most people will buy that excuse. After all, there's nothing funnier than a joke about how rape allows unattractive women to have sex with sober guys. But I also have to wonder, given your ideas about compelled childbirth, if maybe you were writing from experience. Is there more to the story of how your little Johnny Fetus-American was aborted against your wishes?

I can imagine how it might have happened. You're hard at work in your basement writing Nazi scenarios for Civilization II when, suddenly, you realize you're out of Cheetos. You yell upstairs to Mom, telling her to bring down some more, but she tells you to get off your lazy ass and go to the store to get your own.

Feeling the first pangs of Cheetos withdrawal, you put on some pants and head down to Safeway. As you approach the store, you see something you haven't seen in months, a woman who isn't your mother. You immediately take her, just like the Romans did in that Sabine women scenario you wrote for Civ. II last year. Maybe you also killed a bystander with that Pier One Imports samurai sword you always wear--I don't know; it doesn't matter. The important thing is that she conceives and eventually aborts your little blastocyst boy without your consent.

How close to the truth am I? Is that what happened? If so, it'd make for a great followup column.

Heterosexually yours,

Gen. JC Christian, patriot

From somewhere deep in the heart of France: Anntichrist S. Coulter gets her rant on.