Sen. Dan Patrick
Texas State Senate
Dear Sen. Patrick,
Kudos to you for introducing SB 1567, the Texas Baby Purchasing Act of 2007. Undoubtedly, it will save the lives of many blastocyst-Americans.
But what about their tiny spermatazoan-American brothers? Your bill does nothing to protect them. Indeed, it completely ignores the tubesock holocaust. I hope you'll consider amending SB 1567 to address this terrible oversight.
It's a lot easier to protect spermatazoan-Americans than you might think. All you need is a few collection points around the state, a number of modified milking machines, a good supply of mason jars, ink that fluoresces under UV lighting, a few Perry Como albums, a stipend for the donors, and a lot of cellar space.
Here's how I see it working. You offer every man in the state a stipend, say $15 dollars a visit, to drop by their local legislator's office every couple of days to liberate their little spermatazoan-American citizens. To prevent cheating, we apply a UV fluorescent ink to their hands when they visit and then examine their little soldiers under a black light at their next visit. This will allow them to have normal relations with their wives while alerting us to any inappropriate touching on their part.
I know what you're thinking. It won't work on Democrats, because they like to put their little soldiers in ladies mouths -- often while they're trying to kiss that mythical sailor in the boat the femislamunistofscists are always so excited about -- but I think that's something we can work on for the next legislative session.
I'd like to go into this with you in more detail and show you my modified milking machine prototype. It's great. I call it Sheila. I haven't left the trailer since I built it.
Please have your legislative assistant give me call to set up an appointment.
Gen. JC Christian, patriot