Help Me Reach 12 on the Manly Scale of Absolute Gender

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Saturday, March 31, 2007

Why I sweat during communion

William Donahue
Catholic League for Religious and Civil Rights

Dear Mr. Donahue,

While I'm glad you won your battle against the artist who created the naked chocolate Jesus, I don't totally agree with your reasons for taking him on. I'm not at all offended that the artist planned to shoot creamy nougat out of Our Saviours wounds or that he planned to serve Our Lord's fine chocolate flesh to the public--it's kind of what communion is all about, isn't it?

Nor am I particularly upset with the artist for sculpting the Redeemer's immaculate thingy, although the thought that the communion host transubstantiates into something with a penis is very discomforting, particularly because I get kind of excited when I think about it. Don't get me wrong. I'm sure the Pope has had similar thoughts many, many times, so I guess it's OK. I mean, it doesn't make me any more homosexual than the Pope. Right?

I'm more concerned about the size of his sacred member. It looks like it must be, what, five inches long? That's nearly three times longer than normal. You know the minute a guy's wife sees something like that, the jokes about not being made in God's image are going to start flying. It's bad enough we're always being called names like "Vienna Sausage Boy" and "Mr. Softy" as it is. Are we going to have to endure taunts about being a fallen angel or The Little Drummer Boy, too?

Anyway, I guess the point is now moot thanks to you.

Heterosexually yours (really, despite the thoughts I have during communion),

Gen. JC Christian, patriot

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We'll try dumping haloscan and see how it works.