United States Secret Service
Dear Director Sullivan,
I'm very disappointed with the performance of your agency at the White House Correspondents Dinner. Where were your agents when that girl touched Karl Rove and gave him a massive dose of cooties? Why didn't an agent dive in front of Sheryl Crow's grasping hand and take the load of cooties for Mr. Rove? Isn't that your agency's job?
Hopefully, His Roveness was wearing some kind of cootie prophylactic. I can only pray that you took the precaution of writing the words "Cootie Protection" all over his hands, arms, and shoes with a permanent marker (preferably in the super-effective color, red). If not, then I hope you were able to fly in Tommy Thompson and his Bratwurst of Liberty in time to prevent a full cootie infestation.
What's happened to the Secret Service? What have you done to it? It's hard to believe that this is the same agency that less than three years ago so valiantly protected Our Leader from certain immolation by stopping NPR from providing an energy source to power Michael Moore's laser eyes at the Republican National Convention.
Gen. JC Christian, patriot