Mainessippi Sue

Sen. Susan Collins
United States Senate

Dear Senator Collins,

I have no problem with your internet outreach director dismissively calling the blog Firedoglake a "femblog,' and thereby implying that not-men should concern themselves with being seen rather than heard. It doesn't surprise me either. I've always considered you to be a traditionalist when it comes to women's issues. I mean, heck, you've voted 100% in line with the Mississippi and Alabama delegations on judicial appointments--you can't get more traditional on women's issues than that.

It occurred to me that few people would raise a fuss if, say, Trent Lott's or Thad Cochran's internet outreach director said the same thing. I doubt anyone would even notice, because we all assume that their operatives are supposed to say such things. It's different for you though, because the "moderate" label you so proudly wear confuses people. When they think "moderate Republican" images of people like Nelson Rockefeller, Lowell Weicker , and Gerry Ford--all of the folks we ran out of the party years ago--spring to mind. They don't understand that being a moderate means something very different today.

Today's "moderates" unconditionally support wars of aggression like Iraq (we call them pre-emptive wars in polite company). They think a willingness to commit acts of torture or to imprison people without due process is virtuous. And they vote to stack the judicial deck to ensure that uteri become the property of men and that the commons are given to the highest bidder. Indeed, people like Trent Lott and Thad Cochran are today's "moderates."

You need to educate your constituents about what it means to be a modern moderate, so they're no longer surprised when your campaign engages in a little misogyny to undercut your enemies. I've developed an ad campaign to help you do just that. I call it: "Sen. Susan Collins: Our Mainessippi Moderate." I'm enclosing the first ad of the campaign in this email. I think it does a great job of repositioning the public's perception of the center to be more in line with how you actually vote.

I'd like to sit down with your campaign and discuss my ad campaign in more detail. I prefer to be compensated with Velveeta cheese and beef jerky. We can negotiate the amount when I meet with your staff.

Heterosexually yours in a chaste and moderate kind of way,

Gen. JC Christian, patriot