Help Me Reach 12 on the Manly Scale of Absolute Gender

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Tuesday, October 16, 2007

Jesus with King Fu Grip

Josh Livingston
one2believe Toys

Dear Mr. Livingston,

I have a few ideas about how you could market your Jesus action figure more effectively. Go to your website and look at the Jesus photo. He's just standing there all Redeemer like. Now take a look at Sampson and Goliath photos. They're big, burly men. Jesus looks like a David Spade standing next to them for hecks sake.

And look at what Sampson and Goliath are doing. Goliath is taking Sampson from behind in what appears to be very manly physical combat. You just know that he's only a few seconds away from giving Sammy a rogering he'll never forget. That'll teach ole longhair for weakening himself with women. You know he won't be visiting Delilah for a long, long time.

You could do the same for Jesus by matching him up with Judas. How about adding a Pilate's Prison you can sell separately and giving Jesus a shiv so he can shank Judas for being a snitch. That'd be cool. And think about expanding the line by offering Jesus with a Kung Fu Grip and a Christcopter. That'd make Him badder than both Sampson and Goliath combined.

I have tons of ideas like this. I'd like to meet with you to discuss them and explore employment opportunities. Send me a note and we'll set something up.

Heterosexually yours,

Gen. JC Christian, patriot

Elsewhere: Longtime advertiser Miss Poppy Dixon has far better Christian-oriented toys and gifts. She doesn't feminize Jesus like these one2believe bastards. Her Jesus is a "Lock 'n' Load Jesus," and, by gawd, he comes on an ashtray. With Christmas around the corner, you'll want to start stocking up on stocking stuffers now.

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We'll try dumping haloscan and see how it works.