Oddest Confederate Uncle Tells All

H.K. Edgerton
Neo-Confederate Communist

Dear Mr. Edgerton,

I wasn't happy when I learned that a black man was allowed to join our confederate ranks. It smelled of integration, and after forty years of seeing our most sacred institutions destroyed by the twin evils of egalitarianism and racial tolerance, the prospect of celebrating our heritage with a black man was too much for me to bear. "What would be next," I thought, "integrated churches?"

My heart softened a little after I became better acquainted with your thoughts and beliefs. How can a confederate patriot not love a black man who praises slavery and admires the work of cherished heritage appreciation organizations like the Ku Klux Klan.

But then yesterday, I read that you've been going around the country saying slavery was a good thing because slaves "had the same medical facilities that the white man had," and I finally realized that you're no confederate; you're a damned communist. I mean, my God, you like slavery because you believe it encouraged the practice of what amounts to socialized medicine. That's about as un-American as a man can get.

The beauty of our system is that it rations health care on the basis of wealth. Rich people get good health health care. Middle class people buy yachts for insurance and pharmaceutical executives. Poor and working class people die.

Paris Hilton can party like she has a disposable liver because, in fact, she does. And she deserves the level of health care she gets, because her grandfather built a hotel empire, and that makes her part of what Our Leader calls "The Ownership Society." It's what the American Dream is all about.

Thank God you finally exposed yourself. Now, we know the truth. You, sir, are no Confederate. You'll never be able to hide your egalitarian inclinations by touting the joys of slavery and segregation ever again.

Heterosexually yours,

Gen. JC Christian, patriot