We're here. We're not queer. We're just more manly.

Rep. Richard DeBolt
Minority Leader
Washington State House of Representatives

Dear Rep. DeBolt,

I'm writing to urge you to ask Richard Curtis to reconsider his resignation from the House of Representatives. I believe his claim that like Larry Craig, Bob Allen, and 67% of all Republican officials, he's not a homosexual, he just sucks on men's little soldiers to relieve stress. You know as well as I do that there is no better way to recover from a hard day of persecuting homosexuals than to put on some sexy lingerie, pick up a guy at the local pornography shop, and head back to hotel for a right good rogering.

The problem is that the public doesn't generally see it that way. To them, it smells of hypocrisy. They don't see a fearless morality warrior blowing off a little steam; they see another homophobic self-hating closeted homosexual getting busted for doing the very thing he rails against. And who can blame them? We act the same way.

We can and should do better. It's a shame that the same party that was able to turn an attack launched by religious fundamentalist Saudis in Afghanistan into an excuse for invading secular Iraq can't find away to turn a a mouth full of man meat into a patriotic act.

We've built this party by branding it as the tough guy party, the party that isn't afraid to pick a fight and never backs down. Think about it. Only the toughest guys around can say, "Like any truly heterosexual American, I like to take it up the manhole every now and then. I do it for pleasure. Defeatocrats do it for love--God damned wimps."

Hey, maybe you can hold a press conference with Dick Curtis and say just that. There's been a lot of national coverage of this scandal. I bet CNN would play a clip of your press conference four or five times every hour.

Please consider it.

Heterosexually yours in a sexy pink, but ultra-manly, teddy,

Gen. JC Christian, patriot