President and CEO
2008 Republican National Convention
Dear Mrs. Cino,
I'm sure that by now, you've heard the real reason Trent Lott resigned. Apparently it was because someone was going to report that he uhhhh let a professional homosexual work his "Senatorial staff."
No doubt it was as big a surprise to you as it was to me--I mean, my God, no self-respecting homosexual would wear a rug as obvious as his.
And that's why I'm writing you today. Like 73% of the Florida Republican Legislative Caucus and at least 68% of the Republicans serving in the US Senate, House Trent Lott was not a self-respecting homosexual; he was a closeted, self-loathing homosexual.
Now, there's nothing wrong with that. Closet cases are more motivated than heterosexuals when it comes to persecuting homosexuals--I think a look at the records of Lott, Larry Craig, Mitch McConnell, and Lindsey Graham provide proof of that--but it makes us look like hypocrites to the public at large. They don't do nuance.
We need to educate them so they understand that although we have many homosexuals in our party, they hate themselves just as much as we hate them. That's the difference between us and the Democrats--they aren't homophobes (mostly)--and we need to do something to illustrate that difference.
That's why I'm asking you to extend the convention for another week and have all of the our closeted federal elected officials persecute each other up on the stage. Think about the visuals: Mitch McConnell dragging Lindsey Graham around by his nipple chain; David Dreier decked out in fishnet stockings and fuck-me heels swatting some Freshman Congressman's pink little butt with a riding crop Rush Limbaugh losing control and dragging Michael Medved on stage for a round of hot, angry rogering. It'll be great.
And I bet it would pay for itself. Sales of Official Republican Leather and Latex alone would generate millions. Everything you make selling GOP cockrings and butt plugs would be pure profit.
Let me know if you need any help.
Heterosexually yours in a biblically acceptable and Republican self-loathing kind of way,
General JC Christian, patriot
Update: Here is Sen. Lott's friend: