Spandex is a demon that infects men's souls.

Dallen Johnson
Provowood Movie Star
Anti-Pornography Crusader

Dear Elder Johnson,

I was surprised to learn that music videos and movies rated PG and even R are being shown at a gym so close to the BYU campus. I can only imagine the terror you must have felt the four times you've "run out of the cardio cinema because of racy and inappropriate things being shown."

Like you, I "personally view [music videos and PG and R-rated movies] as pornography;" sometimes as much as sixteen hours a day. I also have first-hand knowledge of how destructive such materials can be to personal relationships--I've had loved ones walk in on me while I was watching Rambo: First Blood Part II. My relationship with grandma hasn't been the same since.

I'm also very impressed by how your organization dealt with the Gold's Gym pornographers by threatening to picket them if the following changes weren't made within 10 days:

• No rated R movies or sexually explicit or racy PG-13 movies.
• Change the content of Gold's Broadcasting Network or don't show the Network.
• Keep external TV's on decent and clean stations, or let members choose the channels themselves.
• Install blinds on the aerobics room to block the dancing, which is very provocative.

I'm amazed that there aren't more people making that last demand. Spandex is a demon that infects men's souls. A man can't resist the way it stretches and clings to the human form. It's like a giant jello-filled balloon of lust. No man I've known can resist it. One look and the next thing you know, you're giving your little soldier the pounding of its lifetime.

You know what I'm talking about, don't you. Thank God for Elder Peterson's special treatment.

Heterosexually yours,

Gen. JC Christian, patriot