Sen. John McCain
Candidate for President
Dear Sen. McCain,
I've always been a big fan of your national finance co-chair, Fred Malek. He did an incredible job of rooting out Jews and other cosmopolitans from the US Bureau of Statistics a few years back. But I'm very concerned about the problems he's had raising the funds you need to run your campaign.
You're in a lot of trouble right now, and you can trace that trouble to Mr. Malek's lackluster fundraising. If he'd raised a lot more money, you wouldn't have had to seek a bank loan, borrowing against future public funding payments you had no intention of collecting. Now you face prosecution for loan fraud in addition to violating your own campaign financing law, McCain-Feingold.
Have you considered the possibility that the time Mr. Malek spends counting Jews is interfering with his fundraising duties? Perhaps it's time to start thinking about reorganizing your fundraising shop.
David Packouz would make a great fundraising chair. I mean, here is a 25 year old masseuse, who is oiling up guys and giving them a good rubbing on one day and fulfilling a $300 million Defense Department contract on the next. That guy obviously has the kind of hustle you need.
Then you could move Mr. Malek into Jew hunting full time. Heck, you could even expand the office by bringing in John Hagee to purge the campaign of Catholics. You might as well get started now.
Wait, what kind of a name is "Packouz" anyway. it sounds a little cosmopolitan doesn't it. Maybe you should have Mr. Malek check into it first.
Gen. JC Christian, patriot