Rampant Toilet Sex rivals Wizardry as Nation's #1 Threat

Rep. Mark Kirk (R, IL-10)
US House of Representatives

Dear Rep. Kirk,

I imagine that with the strength of the economy, our rising standard of living, the Floridization of our climate, and the success we're experiencing in Iraq and Afghanistan, it must be very tough to be a congressman these days. There just aren't a lot of pressing problems left to address. I mean you can't vote for torture and domestic spying every day.

That's why I'm glad you're putting so much effort into solving the problem of toilet sex in Second Life (SL). I'd like to help you out with that.

I'm rather ashamed to admit that I didn't know it was a problem. As the Chair of the Second Life Republicans, I spend a lot of time on SL, but it never occurred to me that toilet sex even occurred there.

So imagine my surprise when I discovered a monument to toilet sex, the Larry Craig Center, not more than 50 meters from my SL GOP Headquarters. I'm including a picture and map below.

I'm thinking about organizing a rally in Second Life to protest the rampant toilet sex you've found there. You could begin it at SL GOP HQ with a speech about your own experiences investigating it. Then we could march down to the monument to hold a prayer siege.

It'd be great if we could get Vito Fossella, his wife and kids, and his concubine and daughter there as well--you know, make it a family-oriented event. Could you ask him? I'll make sure his lesbian sister doesn't attend. I understand he's shunning her.

Please get back to me on your availability and we'll set something up.

Heterosexually yours,

Gen. JC Christian, patriot

A helmet tip to Blue Gal.