STUDY FOR SCHOOL!
Hitting the old books is a great way to counteract the nasty hormones bubbling through your smelly parts. Because the last thing any cool boy wants to be is that dude who was so obsessed with scoring a "home run," that he grew up to become a PCP-snorting janitor who caught genital leprosy from a dead homeless woman. Wanna be President instead? Sure, you'll need a perfect 2.5 GPA, but who wouldn't rather bury his nose in a moldy encyclopedia instead of some old nasty girly thighs?
and from our First Lady at Iron Hymen:
While almost all American boys have human-looking privates, most foreign boys have privates like German Shepherds or half-open tubes of Max Factor lipstick.
A helmet tip to Dan Savage, who I suspect is not fully committed to the heterosexual lifestyle.