Senatorial Shrinkage

James Inhofe
US Senate

Dear Sen. Inhofe,

I'm a big fan of turning lemons into lemonade and, from what I see, your "Africa" ad is good for at least a supertanker worth of juice. Forget about all those know-it-alls who are so gleefully laughing at your geographical ignorance. I bet there are dozens of senators who also believe Iraq is in Africa...well, ok, maybe just Ted Stevens, but what the hell; that isn't the point anyway.

What I'm trying to tell you is that you need to employ your ignorance as a weapon just like you do every time you speak about global warming. And come to think of it, your rejection of climate science is just the kind of thing that'll help you here.

All you need to do is to produce an ad touting new evidence that the earth is getting colder rather than hotter. Your evidence will be Iraq's relocation to Africa.

Think about it as "shrinkage." You know how it is when you go swimming in a cold lake. Normally, your grenades don't hang in your bag quite equally; one's always a little lower than the other. That is until you jump into the lake. The moment you do that, your bag shrinks up and squeezes your grenades together tighter than Jack Abramoff and Bob Schaffer at a Mariannas slave brothel.

And that's how you need to describe the geographical relationship between Iraq and Africa in the ad. They've been hanging there separately since the dawn of time (6000 years ago), and then all of a sudden global cooling shrinks up the earth causing Iraq and Africa to get all squeezed together like one big left one. You might also take a look at Florida to see if it's retreated all the way up into Georgia. That'd wrap it all up very nicely.

Heterosexually yours,

Gen. JC Christian, patriot