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Tuesday, June 24, 2008

Stewardship and the Uterus

Mike Erickson
Candidate for Congress

Dear Mr. Erickson,

You were our great white hope this year, the only Republican congressional candidate favored to turn a blue seat, red. My, how things change so quickly. All it took was the revelation that you, a man who so often loudly touted your pro-compulsory-birth stance, paid for your girlfriend's abortion.

Your response certainly didn't help. No one believes you when you say you simply gave the girlfriend $300 and drove her to the abortion clinic without knowing why she was going there. It's just not believable. It isn't even the kind of outrageous lie people pretend to believe because it validates their prejudices or self perception--you know what I mean: "Iraq was responsible for 911," "Obama hates America," "my penis is larger than average;" those kinds of lies.

Still, I think your campaign is salvageable. All you need to do is tp stop responding to the specifics of your girlfriend's abortion and reframe the issue in a way that will satisfy your base and make you look a little less like a hypocrite to everyone else. The way to do that is to begin talking about it in terms of exercising stewardship over your girlfriend's uterus.

I suggest doing it in a speech, preferably to a group of conservative Christians. Speak to them in the language they understand. Talk about the proper role God has chosen for women. Explain how our Lord directs men to be the head of the household, and how he has given men stewardship over their wives' reproductive organs.

Granted it's a risky move. Someone is likely to point out that this woman was your girlfriend, not your wife. You might counter by saying she was impregnated by a little accidental seepage from your loins while you were both enjoying a little soak in the hot tub. People understand that. It happens all the time, twice for me as a matter of fact. That's why I had two chocolate-hued children after my little soldier stopped coming to attention. The hot tub chemicals effect seepage in that way.

Give it a shot. You don't have much to lose at this point.

Heterosexually yours,

Gen. JC Christian, patriot

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