The Body of Christ Held Hostage

It was a beautiful Sunday morning. The sun was shining. The birds were chirping. You could almost smell the minty freshness of God's breath on the edge of the gentle westerly breeze.

But the beauty of that morning was soon shattered by an act so brutally ugly it pains me to recount it here. That act was the abduction of Our Lord's sacred flesh by a college student named Webster Cook. Yes, you read that right. Cook took the Eucharist wafer into his mouth and smuggled it out of mass back to his dorm room at the University of Central Florida. Once there, he peeled Our Savior's moist body from his tongue and placed it's bleeding, pulsating flesh upon his desk.

No one but Cook knows what happened after that. One imagines he may have performed any number of sick acts on Our Lord Jesus' immobile body. Perhaps Cook licked His immaculately crunchy skin or touched Our Redeemer inappropriately, or even worse, made Him listen to rhythm and blues. All anyone knows for sure was that the young student was holding Jesus hostage.

The Church reacted angrily. A spokesperson for the local diocese called it a "hate crime." Father Migeul Gonzalez called it a "kidnapping" and a "mortal sin,' and loudly worried that the whole diocesan community would "have to make acts of reparation" in order to get back into God's good graces.

Then the lay community weighed in. Outrage professional Bill Donohue demanded Cooks expulsion for "taking the Body of Christ hostage." Other, more action-oriented worshipers, responded with death threats.

That was too much for Cook. He returned Our Saviors broken body to the church and apologized.

The diocese, in an effort to discourage another kidnapping, assigned a nun to guard the Eucharist during campus services by presumably doing tongue inspections at the door. The University threw in a pair of armed cops to assist her.

That should have been the end of it, but unfortunately, squid doctor PZ Myers, a man who doesn't even believe in God, wrote about the story on his unspellable blog, derisively referring to Our Lords transubstantiated flesh as a "cracker," Yes, he called Jesus Christ a baked cereal-based product. Worse yet, he asked his readers to kidnap the Corpus Christi and send it to him so he could film himself committing unspeakable acts upon it.

Bill Donohue was quick to respond, demanding that the University of Minnesota Morris fire Myers. Emails immediately began filling Meyers and the University President's mailboxes. In the first day alone, Myers received:

39 pieces of personal hate mail of varying degrees of literacy...Four of them have included death threats, a personal one day record. Thirty-four of them have demanded that I be fired. Twenty-five of them have told me to desecrate a copy of the Koran, instead, or in some similar way offend Muslims.

Undoubtedly, his boss, the university president has received even more.

So that's where we are as of this writing. On the one hand, we gave a Godly man, Bill Donohue, who collects libislamunisto scalps like a cannibal witchdoctor in a cheap pulp novel, and, on the other, a scientist/blogger who doesn't even believe in God.

Elsewhere: PZ Myers writes:

I would appreciate it if you would write a short note to President Robert Bruininks in support (he's going to hate me for this). I have to ask for a few constraints, though: only do so if you are willing to sign a real name to it — most of the complaint mail I'm getting uses fake names, making it much less persuasive — and that, unlike the religious screeds I'm seeing, you take the time to proofread and send him something that at least looks like a high school graduate wrote it, which will put you way above the level of the hate mail. Be polite and rational, too!

If you really want to impress, send him regular mail at this address:

President Robert H. Bruininks
202 Morrill Hall
100 Church Street S.E.
University of Minnesota
Minneapolis, MN 55455

Bill Donohue has a loud, braying voice, and he's already trying to stir up a witch hunt. We need a counter-campaign from the secular community.