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Thursday, July 10, 2008

Meet the Veeps: Charlie Crist

There's been a lot of speculation about who Sen. McCain will pick as his running mate, so I thought it'd be a good time to do a series of posts featuring the leading candidates. We'll begin that series with Gov. Charlie Crist of Florida.

For 51 years, Crist has served as a model for traditional values by living the life of a celibate bachelor. It wasn't easy for him. Many wondered if his series of young, handsome male best friends might signal a fondness for show tunes.

In an effort to squelch such rumors, the McCain campaign turned to Roger Stone, a Republican party operative who navigates the vitterian waters of commercial hedonism like a randy salmon swimming in a desperate race to be the first to squirt his dill sauce over the most attractive gravels.

Stone miraculously located a videotape of Crist making out with a real life woman. Sure, he looked nervous and out of his element, like Alberto Gonzales at an ethics seminar, but hey, he had just hit his first single; first base was unexplored territory for him. Thank God the soothing sounds of Madonna's "Vogue" was playing in the background to calm him down.

Still that wasn't enough. Such antics upset the moral sensibilities of people like myself. Other, more skeptical, potential supporters remained unconvinced due to the fact that a poster of an bare chested Lindsey Graham appeared on the wall behind Crist's love interest. The Governor had to do more. This week, he sealed the deal by proposing to Carole Rome.

It looks like it's going to be a great wedding. I'm hoping to get an invitation, but I'm told space is very limited. You can only squeeze so many people into a mensroom at the Minneapolis Airport.

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We'll try dumping haloscan and see how it works.