McCain Names Cabinet Members

Capitalizing on the many accolades he received for tapping Sarah Palin as his VP pick, John McCain announced his choices to fill three important cabinet positions, today.



Earl J. Poteet has nearly 20 years of experience handling negotiations in border town bars. Using a wide array of diplomatic skills, including slowly speaking English in a loud voice, pounding on the bar while screaming "I'm an American, damn it!" and flicking his tongue in and out rapidly between his lips while winking, Mr. Poteet has successfully negotiated thousands of bar tab disputes and quasi-romantic rendezvous. More importantly, Mr. Poteet knows there is a time for talk and a time for action. He's not afraid to gut an adversary with a broken tequila bottle when force is required. That's why John McCain chose him to represent American interests around the world.



John McCain wanted a Secretary of Defense who's a fighter. That's why he chose Chastity Screed to head the Pentagon. It's a gutsy choice given the fact she's never served in the military, but she brings something far more more important than experience, evangelical approval. Mrs. Screed became the Heartland's Hero when she successfully lead an assault against Spencer's Gifts down at the mall. It wasn't easy. Many laughed at her when she tried to describe why she had targeted that particular shop. "They sell little knitted sock things to keep a man's little baby-maker warm," she declared, "and they don't even use starch!" But Screed persevered, eventually mobilizing dozens of others to assist her in her cause. Now, thanks to her efforts, Spencer's Gifts requires its customers to duck under the hand of a Jesus cut-out figure emblazoned with the words "You must be this tall to buy adult novelty items" before allowing them to shop in the adult section. John McCain has no doubts she'll do the same for Iraq, Afghanistan, Russia, and Iran.



Malcolm Witherspoon knows how to effectively spend taxpayers money. As a contractor in Iraq, he personally oversaw the $6 billion dollar effort to construct a school for a tiny village in Anbar Province. "It's a great school," Sean Hannity once remarked "It just might be the finest school without plumbing and a roof you'll find anywhere in the world." Now an oil company lobbyist, Witherspoon is a driving force for the oil industry's Drill Here, Cap Now, Profit More, offshore drilling initiative. Sen. McCain is very impressed with Witherspoon's creative use of the homeless to launder millions of dollars of oil industry campaign contributions. "It's the kind of entrepreneurial spirit that's made our party great," notes the nominee, "It's why I've picked him to serve as the Treasury Secretary."