Kissing the Sacred Purple

His Eminence,Daniel Cardinal DiNardo
Archbishop of Galveston-Houston

Most Revererend Eminence,

Thank you for denouncing the University of Notre Dame for inviting Obama to speak at their commencement ceremonies in May. Hopefully, the University will rescind the invitation and invite someone more in keeping with the current Pope's values--perhaps someone like John Yoo, or better yet, Dick Cheney.

Unfortunately, I doubt such a rescission will occur--Obama is the President of the United States, after all. You should be prepared for that. You need to create a competing event to distract attention away from Obama's heretical commencement speech.

I'm thinking you should produce one of those old-style variety shows to premier on Cinemax at the same time as the commencement. Yes, I know what you're thinking, "Why would anyone want to watch a Catholic variety show and why would Cinemax want to air it?" Well, the answer is in my proposed title for the show "Kissing the Sacred Purple."

That's right. It's the same phrase one is supposed to use as a closing for letters written to cardinals, but, I think it can have another meaning, one that will please viewers and Cinemax as much as it's pleased the priesthood and the Pope over the years.

Think about it. It could begin with America's newest Catholic superstar, Newt Gingrich, sharing that wonderful story about how a friend kissed his sacred purple in the front seat of a car while his children scurried past.

Next up, you could feature a musical number by The Altar Boyz, and maybe get Bill O'Reilly to do a juggling act featuring falafels, loofahs, and his ReamMaster 5000.

Of course you'd want to end it with something big--something you could use to tease the public for weeks before the event--and what would be better than a video of Monsignor Georg Gänswein fluffing the papal mitre.

I'd be glad to try to put it together for you, but I'd need at least three million dollars to begin.

Kissing the Sacred Purple,

Gen. JC Christian, patriot