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Thursday, April 23, 2009

Miss California Must Rebuke Her Gay Chest Thingies

Carrie Prejean
Miss California USA

Dear Miss Prejean,

I salute you for standing up for marriage segregation during the Miss USA Pageant. No doubt it cost you the tiara, but I'm sure God will bless you with a steady stream of megachurch appearance fees and perhaps even a stint as the interchangeable generic blond on Fox and Friends.

But, you must to do a few things to get your own house in order before partaking of any of the blessings. Most importantly, you need to divest yourself of all the gifts you've received from homosexuals, so that you do not come off as some kind of hypocrite. Specifically, I'm referring to the breasts Keith Lewis gave you. Please rebuke them loudly in the name of Our Lord, Jesus Christ, and then return them to Mr. Lewis as soon as possible. I'm sure our Lord and savior will provide you with an even better set once you do.

Heterosexually yours in a chaste and completely biblical kind of way,

Gen. JC Christian, patriot


  1. General, Sir:

    Over there at Miss Pam's House Blend they got a ad for the "Hide and Seek 4000"; is that a "kissin' cousin" to the "ReamMaster 5000"?

    I can see it now, Ms. Californicator down on her knees, praying:

    "DaddyGOD, please take this DD cup from me. No, wait. Uhhh, take the cup but leave the boob?"

  2. Well, you know that it's perfectly acceptable to exploit the skills and talents of gays without acknowledging our equality, humanity or citizenship.

    Well hell, Sir, look at a great many Republican political personages and many evangelical leaders as well! They have NO trouble availing themselves of homosexual services all the while denying homosexuals have any sort of, er, standing. With them. In private. Sir.

  3. Fake breasts threaten my marriage!

  4. I think marriage should be between a man, a woman, fake breasts and an invisible sky daddy. And there should be lots of pot smoking.


  5. I'll help her get them off! I think all it would take is some vigourous rubbing -- interspersed with rapid jiggling, maybe some hefting/squeezing... Shouldn't take more than a couple of weeks.

  6. General, Sir:

    My inner frenchman (Charles, pronounced "Shaaaaaaaaarlz") made me leave this:

    "How very comforting it must be for all of you who hate gays to have your spokesgirl up there on stage thrusting her chest out and flaunting her GOD (and man) given beauty. You hypocrites are not followers of the JESUS that I grew up hearing about."

    on this blog,

    that fil-of-a-bitch even made me sign my own name.

    It's to bad that Carrie is not a Cath-O-Lick (well, except for the part that all Cath-O-Licks are damne apostates) because then she could be a nun, Sister Bodacious Tatas.

  7. I almost missed the fake breasts. I was blinded by the porcelain choppers, second only to Matt Dillons in "Something About Mary". Lotta sizzle, very little steak.

  8. General, Sir:

    I sense that Larry Flynt's Hustler Video productions may be looking for a Carrie Prejean look-alike for a movie about this. Something with a title like:

    "Proposition 8 Inches"

  9. Anonymous12:10 PM

    I’m with Seattle Dan-O on this one. Fake breasts are, like, totally intimidating. The real ones are kinda intimidating, too, but they’re not as pointy as the fake ones. And the worst fake breast are the gay ones, you know?

    Gay fake breasts. The greatest threat to marriage today.

    I sense a gathering storm. Of gay fake breasts.

  10. Yeahbut how do you tell if the breasts are, in fact, gay? Assume a wide stance in a bathroom stall and tap your foot? Are there gay fake breast bars where one might hang out in (later telling police, wives, etc you had "no idea" it was a gay fake breast bar)? I may have been in some of these places, come to think. There's usually a big pole involved. Dollar bills are exchanged. OMG, I may have been exposed to gay fake breastiness without even knowing it...

  11. General, Sir:

    I really think this needs to stop. We don't know that her boobs are GAYboobs. I mean they could be, but without first hand knowledge who's to say. I'm thinkin' it's gonna take "boots on the ground" (or maybe 4" red patent leather FM stilettos on somebody's chest) to determine the truth. And truth is what I'm all about, Sir.

    If you would just cut me a check for $7,420.98 I would be able to make the trip to Californication to find out 'zackly what that "Trollop for JESUS" is made of. Silicone or flesh'n'bone, Sir--I mean to find out.

    Oh, btw, that Beemer 7 Series Command Vehicle prototype didn't have enough armor plating to resist the roof buckling in the "roll-over" exercise. Not my fault, Sir, I'm just the test driver.

  12. General, Sir:

    I had a little something about this on my insignificant, beneath your notice and not very important blog. Brother von Ebers reiterated the fact that the breasts in question were purchased (at a "Boobtique", apparently) by some GAY judge and that they were, therefor, gay boobs.

    I feel this is also wrong, Sir. If, in fact the breasts were purchased by a GAY judge that doesn't MAKE them GAY. One (or two) can only be GAY by choosing to be GAY; everybody learns that on their first day of homeschooling (right after the LORD's Prayer, the Pledge of Allegiance and the KKKristian Soldiers Manual of Combat Arms). So, those pert, little fleshly attributes are NOT GAY, unless they choose to be. And, even if they are, they can be de-programmed by talking, softly, to them from a distance of several millimeters.

    I think they're "Snowflake" tatas, Sir. Nobody else wanted them and Carrie adopted them to save them from life in some hooker's bustier. They're doing GOD's work now! Remember his words, "Wherever two or more (nah, more than two is just plain creepy!) are gathered (or pushed up and thrust out) im my name..."

  13. General, Sir:

    democommie's commitment to the movement in general and to the thingy's at issue in particular continue to inspire awe deep within my breast(s) (but in a wholly manly and heterosexual way.) If he requires assistance in reconnoitering the thingy's in dispute in the instant case I stand ready to drop whatever I may or may not have in my hand(s) at a moments notice or the drop of a hat -- whichever comes first -- to render such assistance. For $7,420.98, of course. Travel expenses, per diem, etc.

  14. Anonymous2:36 PM

    Demo and Richard: This is further proof that the homosexual agenda is all about trampling my rights to free speech. I still think her thingies are, like, totally gay.

    I demand the right to have everyone believe what I believe! It’s right there in the Constitution, right after “Praise Jesus!”

  15. Dearest General Sir:

    I also personally believe, that U.S. Americans, should only have access to opposite marriage, just like in the Iraq and the Asian countries, because everywhere, like, such as, in these places have a normal social order of marriage.

    Yours Truly,

    Comandante Agi

    P.S. I have returned.

  16. General, Sir:

    Since it's fairly obvious that this young KKKristian princess did what she did as way to get some attention, and maybe a new gig, I've thought about a coupla things she might could do.

    If there was a version of Wheel of Fortune where the puzzles consisted of biblical injunctions like:

    "DewtoRonnie&Me 14, v 24-25:

    Kill the GAY, they're evil and infective (see L. Craig, M. Foley, T. Haggard, et al)"

    and each time you got the puzzle right you get a bigger mansion in GOD's house (or another virgin if you're one of our mooslim friends). Or maybe she could replace Elizabeth Hasslebitch on "The View".


We'll try dumping haloscan and see how it works.