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Friday, April 24, 2009

The Opinuary Column

The Opinion The United States does not torture died yesterday from a variety of so-called enhanced interrogation techniques, up to and including being repeatedly slammed into a false wall, simulated drowning, stress positions and sleep deprivation. The Opinion had a long, full life, and it is with sorrow and regret that we note its passing.

Family and friends will join together to celebrate the life of the Opinion at an undisclosed detention facility next week. The general public is not welcome. Period. If anyone not specifically invited to this event shows up such a person will be placed in a small, dark box with a variety of arachnids tossed inside. You and your spider friends will be left there for a period not so long as to cause prolonged mental anguish or undue suffering, but long enough to totally freak you out. Additionally, you will be so close to organ failure that you could taste it.

In lieu of flowers the family has asked that would-be donors go to the closest window in their home or workplace or what-have-you, throw said windows open and howl in abject horror so that the whole world should hear their wailing, indeed scream from the very core of their beings until the mountains of our nation shake with despair, our fresh water lakes, rivers and streams dry up from shame, and our guilty, besotted souls are dashed upon the flesh-rending rocks that line the abject hollows of eternity.


The Opinuary Column appears every Friday afternoon at Jesus' General.



  1. Mr. mjs, Sir:

    I'm currently silk screening a new line of bumper stickers, to include:

    "WWJW?"--Who Would Jesus Waterboard?

    "It ain't torture, till I SAY it's torture"

    "Organ Failure Happens"


    "You have to be THIS brown to get on the waterboard ride"

  2. HORNETS! I say they didn't put spiders into the torturecoffin, it was hornets. If it was good enough for the Spanish Inquisition to do that, it's good enough for the good ol' USA.

    And if this opinion is now dead, are the people who still profess it loudly on teh Internets tubez and Fux "News" members of the walking dead?

  3. Yes, Bukko, they are intellectual and moral zombies. That they have a platform for their gurglings and screechings is testament to the power of wealthy, white gorgons. There is hope however, as we witness zombies choking on their own bile as they attempt to parse the meaning of torture. You can make their eyes disappear by pointing out that the United States executed Japanese soldiers for water boarding U.S. soldiers during WWII. We didn't call it "enhanced interrogation techniques"--we called it torture.



  4. Hello Dear General.

    I am just coming out onto the blogotubes and I wanted to share my blog with you. The picture of me protesting the tea baggers and the Yes on Amendment #1 supporters in Gainesville will, and I promise this on my middle schoolers heavenly souls, (can't promise on mine cause I sold it) you will love this and somehow come up with something for it.

    I am trying to go viral with this.

    Exact context: In Gainesville Florida, the Mormon church tried to pass an amendment taking away the rights of gays and spread the lie that if the Amendment didn't pass, transsexuals would go into little girls bathrooms and "Teh Gay" them. I knew that these were the same folks as the tea baggers and double protested their event: in drag with a sign saying support the troops and pay your taxes and another saying "free Tebagging". As of yet, no takers on my generosity.

    please visit: to see ppic's and feel free to post them here (and link to me please, I want this thing to grow.)

    PS: I have followed your blog for the last year or so. Thanks for all the good stuff. (I RSS aggregate it).

    Peace out,


  5. I heard it won't be a grass-covered grave, but gravel instead. The symbolism of water sprayed or poured onto the grass was too much for the family to take.

  6. Geesus: there is a link on the bottom of this blog (it reads "contact me") where you can write the General and ask him all sorts of stuff, etc. That's a fairly benign and appropriate way to blogwhore: one to one, the way Larry Craig does it during a Pooper's Matinee at the airport.

    Your comment here had the beauty of being completely off topic and self-referential at the same time. Your deeds and thoughts may be noble, but you blundered onto a post about the death of American decency and you apparently didn't even take one tiny look around. A bit of advice from a fellow narcissist: act as if you are part of the larger universe and others may visit your planet.

    p.s. I am not the General.


  7. mjs: Thanks for ruining it. Now that I know what it was about I'm not interested, anymore and especially in the larger universe. How do I know you're not the General, he could be masquerading as you, anything can happen out there onthe tubes or should that be thru the tubes?

  8. Brother Knowdoubt:

    It is very simple to ascertain that the General and Mr. mjs are two different guys. When you open one of the posts put up by Mr. mjs you will smell invective, snark, sarcasm and snideityousness in about equal parts. When you open one of the General's post, all that you can smell is testosterone. I love the smell of both of their posts, but the General's posts? They smell like victory.

  9. Cheap wine. I also smell like cheap wine.


  10. Deacon D.C.: I hate it but, I remain susceptible of the innertubes and anything new. My neighbors have hipped me to all the dangers of the tubes. They can bring some really bad shit into the house, but I remain vigilante and skeptical (that's the word I was looking for). I can handle the smells (like you I'm partial to the testosterone ones), but it is the other insidious stuff I worry about, you know ideas that challenge all my preconceived notions and myths that I have bought into (at no small cost, I might add) etc., Be wary out there, they may be little tubes but a lot of bad shit can go through them, I'm talking real viruses and other unmentionables, don't you know?

  11. Well: for my interruption of the conversation, that was of more pertinent information to talk of myself, I apologize. I tried that link at the bottom and it didn't work, so I just chose the most recent post to put the comment down on.

    Again, apologies for the purported narcissism, though I don't think that was my vibe or intent when trying to contact the general. PS: it's not about any or all of us.

    I didn't take a look around but I have been following this site for a very long time, so maybe I just didn't wanna read and shouldn't be insulted for it.

    Larry Craig? Get over yourself dude, I was just trying to spread info, not rain on your parade.

    Either way, peace to you. I regret any kind of unfriendly vibeness that has gone on.

  12. Unsolved: we did a lot of Larry Craig jokes here for awhile--in this instance I regret using the reference--my comedy skills are declining rapidly with age. The torture issue has pushed me into a truly negative place, and I just felt that it was such a profound issue it deserved all the melancholy I could muster. The fact that so many of my fellow American citizens seem to just skim over it like it was business as usual has depressed me no end, but that doesn't excuse my rudeness.

    I wish you well--please accept my apology. The narcissism was truly my own.


  13. MJS:

    I like you. I think that we both did a great deal of reflection on this one and are both the better of for it. Thank You for your humanity and for reminding me that I was skimming over important issues when looking out for myself.

    Again, I apologize for my lack of awareness when posting here.

    It is indeed a sad and torturous time that we live in, but you know, I still love my life, and yours and even the folks that don't see what they are doing.

    I guess I was really happy from your comments as we both grew and we both reflected and well, honestly, is there anything better than that? I mean besides teabagging a teabagger?

    Much love, hope, peace and smiles man, you are doing good and modeled really appropriate behavior for your readers. Commendation: you.

  14. Does this mean we're the baddies now? Will uniforms be distributed with skulls and crossbones and monocles and stuff like that?

    For the past 50 -100 years, we've been saying doing torturey stuff is only for baddies and the goodies have to punish them. You know, like we did to the Germans and the Japanese and Pol Pot. We were the goodies then. It was all so simple and clear cut.

    Who are the goodies now? It is so hard to keep track. I didn't even feel a change when I became a baddie. Where do I have to go live to be a goodie again?

  15. Bruce:

    It's really quite simple. If you were a "bad MerKKKin" during the Bushco years, you are prolly a good American. Otoh, if you were a good Bushco MerKKKin? Well, yes, you get the monocle, jodphurs, hobnails and closeted GAYNESS. Damn you, Larry Craig, damn you to hell--I cannot get you out of my head!!

  16. Damn you, Larry Craig, damn you to hell--I cannot get you out of my head!!The Minneapolis airport police had the same problem when Larry was in THEIR head! I think he had to be tapped out, toe-tapped out...

  17. Does this mean we're the baddies now? Will uniforms be distributed with skulls and crossbones and monocles and stuff like that?You are not the first to wonder.


We'll try dumping haloscan and see how it works.