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Friday, April 24, 2009
The Opinuary Column
Posted by mjs
The Opinion The United States does not torture died yesterday from a variety of so-called enhanced interrogation techniques, up to and including being repeatedly slammed into a false wall, simulated drowning, stress positions and sleep deprivation. The Opinion had a long, full life, and it is with sorrow and regret that we note its passing.
Family and friends will join together to celebrate the life of the Opinion at an undisclosed detention facility next week. The general public is not welcome. Period. If anyone not specifically invited to this event shows up such a person will be placed in a small, dark box with a variety of arachnids tossed inside. You and your spider friends will be left there for a period not so long as to cause prolonged mental anguish or undue suffering, but long enough to totally freak you out. Additionally, you will be so close to organ failure that you could taste it.
In lieu of flowers the family has asked that would-be donors go to the closest window in their home or workplace or what-have-you, throw said windows open and howl in abject horror so that the whole world should hear their wailing, indeed scream from the very core of their beings until the mountains of our nation shake with despair, our fresh water lakes, rivers and streams dry up from shame, and our guilty, besotted souls are dashed upon the flesh-rending rocks that line the abject hollows of eternity.
The Opinuary Column appears every Friday afternoon at Jesus' General.