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Friday, May 22, 2009
The Opinuary Column
Posted by mjs
The Opinion Denying a woman sovereignty over her own body is a moral and ethical principle has died of complications due to internal hemorrhaging. The Opinion has had a very long life, being of a family of Opinions (held mostly by humans with concerns about the relative size of their penises) that regard the female sex as worthy of consistent and pervasive subjugation. The Opinion has often been espoused by men who wear hats that look very similar to women's reproductive organs. The Opinion leaves behind a host of contradictory thoughts and assertions, many of which smell bad.
It has been a difficult run for women affected by The Opinion, knowing that should one of a woman's eggs be successfully breached by a predator sperm her uterus would then become the property of the State, presumably under eminent domain statutes. How and when the male sexual organ would face similar hegemonic legislation is unclear, but should there be a public health angle to this story a rapid increase in teabagging incidents suggests that many of America's scrotums are at least as clean as the spit valve on a french horn.
The Opinion had been in the news recently, specifically when President Barack "Hey Now!" Obama was the guest commencement speaker at the University of Notre Dame in South Bend, Indiana. In favor of legal abortion, Obama's appearance upset many conservative Catholics, who protested his speech by refusing to be against the wars in Iraq and Afghanistan, a stand that could not stand yet there it stood. Though many in the anti-choice crowd continue to protest against safe and legal abortions, it has been suggested that they concentrate on helping to prevent unwanted pregnancies through promotion of birth control awareness and outreach. This idea causes apoplexy in True Believers and has been known to result in aimless sputtering.
The Opinion will be laid to rest in Our Lady of Endless Sorrows Cemetery & Second Class Citizens Club. In lieu of flowers the family asks that women cross their legs very tightly and keep them in a locked position until a man who has sex with boys officiates at her wedding.