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Friday, May 22, 2009

The Opinuary Column



The Opinion Denying a woman sovereignty over her own body is a moral and ethical principle has died of complications due to internal hemorrhaging. The Opinion has had a very long life, being of a family of Opinions (held mostly by humans with concerns about the relative size of their penises) that regard the female sex as worthy of consistent and pervasive subjugation. The Opinion has often been espoused by men who wear hats that look very similar to women's reproductive organs. The Opinion leaves behind a host of contradictory thoughts and assertions, many of which smell bad.

It has been a difficult run for women affected by The Opinion, knowing that should one of a woman's eggs be successfully breached by a predator sperm her uterus would then become the property of the State, presumably under eminent domain statutes. How and when the male sexual organ would face similar hegemonic legislation is unclear, but should there be a public health angle to this story a rapid increase in teabagging incidents suggests that many of America's scrotums are at least as clean as the spit valve on a french horn.

The Opinion had been in the news recently, specifically when President Barack "Hey Now!" Obama was the guest commencement speaker at the University of Notre Dame in South Bend, Indiana. In favor of legal abortion, Obama's appearance upset many conservative Catholics, who protested his speech by refusing to be against the wars in Iraq and Afghanistan, a stand that could not stand yet there it stood. Though many in the anti-choice crowd continue to protest against safe and legal abortions, it has been suggested that they concentrate on helping to prevent unwanted pregnancies through promotion of birth control awareness and outreach. This idea causes apoplexy in True Believers and has been known to result in aimless sputtering.

The Opinion will be laid to rest in Our Lady of Endless Sorrows Cemetery & Second Class Citizens Club. In lieu of flowers the family asks that women cross their legs very tightly and keep them in a locked position until a man who has sex with boys officiates at her wedding.

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8 comments:

  1. Okay, so, I have to ask. Is “Hey Now” a reference to Hank Kingsley?

    And, by the way, I never noticed how the pope’s mitre resembles a female’s naughty bits. Now I’ll never be able to look at der Papst-Führer the same way. Thanks for that.

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  2. Yes indeedy, Dave. It was on the Larry Sanders' Show where I first heard Hank Kingsley's "Hey Now." I figured since the show ended in 1998 the phrase was pretty much fair game. After all, the California Angels (now they are called the Los Angeles Angels) had already used "Yes We Can" during their pennant run in 1979, and the Obamanites appropriated it quite successfully. "Hey Now!" gives Obama that extra little pop, you know?

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  3. MJS: I figured it was either that, or that Crowded House song from back in the day.

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  4. Sir,

    I remember staring longingly at "The Spitvalve Girl" from my position at the bass-drum-stupid section in my high school band practice room. Thanks for bringing back a painful memory.

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  5. Now that the Opinion is being laid to rest, we can indeed return to the days of mystery. As a lad walking the halls of Bishop Bumfuck HS, I'd wonder "whatever happened to Bonnie"? One minute she's a National Merit Scholar, first French horn in the stage band, the next she's been disappeared. Rumors of internment at a Canadian convent for a one year stint, then back to St Louis to live out her days in shame with her parents; others had it as irreparable damage from the drunk "doctor" with the thick eastern European accent.
    The point being, now that we are stepping back from the threshold of reason, my imagination can once again write short stories of woe, shame and ruin for the girls that disappeared.

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  6. General, Sir:

    I wanted to thank you for the spit-valve video from your-are-an-expert-dot-com or whatever that was. I sent it to my sister (a professional French Horn player in Los Angeles) with a degree in Music from the University of Michigan so now I can say that I have helped her with her career and how can one put a price tag on that. Oh, wait, I know. Hourly rate, right? Little help here, okay?

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  7. How about the opinion that it's hugely impractical to outlaw a medical procedure that can be effectively, albeit dangerously, supplanted by a jumbo bottle of Boone's Farm and a broomstick to the midsection?

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  8. Don't forget that the guy who promised never to get married has to give a lecture on the duties of husband and wife before he will marry the happy couple. Among the lessons (based evidently more on hope than experience) is that sex is to be used only for procreation. The divine use of sex as a tool in altar boy training is not given, because you have to take a vow of chastity before that has any use. Just like the divine use of Hypocrisy.

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We'll try dumping haloscan and see how it works.