Help Me Reach 12 on the Manly Scale of Absolute Gender

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Friday, May 22, 2009

Torture's Harvest

We know Grand Inquisitor Dick righteously employed torture to compel confessions in support of domestic truth-crafting efforts. He also tells us that torture resulted in actionable intelligence that He used to foil terrorist plots that could have killed hundreds of thousands of Americans.

What were these plots? Until now, that information was classified, but thanks to the stay-behinds the Grand Inquisitor planted within the CIA, I'm able to share a short list of those plots here.

Summary of KSM confession after waterboarding session 6 (Room 101, April 7, 2003).
KSM detailed plan to forcibly seize ACME Corp; build "really ginormous anvil" and drop it on Branson, Mo.

Summary of KSM confession after waterboarding session 27 (Room 101, June 8, 2003)
KSM revealed plot to demoralize American public by using "sorrow ray" to make Glenn Beck cry repeatedly on television.

Summary of KSM confession after waterboarding session 33 (Room 101, August 30, 2003)

KSM described plan to have secret Muslim elected POTUS and institute socialism, fascism, and humanism. Only popular revolution sponsored by Aetna and led by hedge fund managers has possibility of defeating him.

Summary of KSM confession after waterboarding session 42 (Room 101, Sept. 14, 2003)
KSM confessed to plot to infiltrate detainees into US prisons, coax smuggled radioactive spiders into biting them, use newly acquired spidey senses and powers to escape, and destroy America  by volunteering to work on marriage equality campaigns.

15 comments:

  1. Thank you, mon General. Someone needed to speak up in defense of this great American who did all he could to raise our formerly wimpy country up the top ten chart of best countries under whose military forces you can be arrested, treated with unspeakable horror, and detained indefinitely. Bravo, sir.

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  2. SCOTUS. Don't forget the diabolical plot to cram the court with people that aren't Alito or Roberts. What kind of bullshit is that??

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  3. Y'all go ahead and laugh but if you could get a big enough anvil then the number of people killed would be a heckuva lot more than 9/11 and if Yakov Smirnoff's theater gets destroyed then the commies won!

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  4. I can't believe you didn't mention the plot to obtain uranium in order to expose al Qaeda operatives to gamma rays, endowing them, by virtue of their righteous anger, with superhuman strength and a lovely minty-hued skin tone.

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  5. Mr. Cheney certainly seems to be registering at least a 15 on the scale of absolute manliness.

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  6. johnmckenzie-

    While I appreciate the natural tie between wallpaper and social/political satire, I think you should still go fuck yourself.

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  7. Dear Mr. McKenzie:

    Please send me 35 rolls of wallpaper suitable for use in Room 101, you fuckin moron.

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  8. You’re on fire, Gen’rul, sir.

    I believe it was Jessie Ventura who said, “Give me a waterboard, Dick Cheney and an hour, and I’d have him confessing to the Sharon Tate murders.”

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  9. You forgot some of those confessions, General! I got the memo too, and I liked this 'un:

    Summary of KSM confession after waterboarding session 33 1/3 (Room 101, Sept. 31, 2003)Have American banks sell bogus "AAA rated securities" to people with pension plans all over the world, then reveal them to be a fraud based on usury, which Teh Prophet (peas be upon him) has forbidden. Cause the Western banking system to convert to Islamic finance. Side benefit -- make a lot of Christian retirees starve to death, or at least be forced to eat cat food on meatless Fridays.

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  10. Al-Qaeda's secret secret plan was blackmailing the Supremes to select Bush-Cheney who would then recklessly plunge the United States into profound moral and fiscal bankruptcy . . .

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  11. No Blood for Hubris: At first I laughed. Then I realized you weren’t kidding.

    So, the question for Obama and Holder is: How many times does Cheney get to go on national TV and admit to committing war crimes before you realize you have no choice but to arrest the dumb sonofabitch?

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  12. So, the question for Obama and Holder is: How many times does Cheney get to go on national TV and admit to committing war crimes before you realize you have no choice but to arrest the dumb sonofabitch?He is taunting them to do so. If they understood that punishment is the only language people like Dick understand, they would talk to him in this language, and punish him for his transgressions, Thus making him happy.

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  13. How do you get this comment-thingy to divide into paragraphs?
    It won't for me.

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  14. So, the question for Obama and Holder is: How many times does Cheney get to go on national TV and admit to committing war crimes before you realize you have no choice but to arrest the dumb sonofabitch?


    DaVonEb, as kimc said, ex-realPresident Cheney is taunting allegedPresident Obama by showing how he, Shotgun Dick, is an 11 on the TortureScale of Manliness. He's trying to goad Obama into a fight, challenging him to throw down!

    And if this doesn't work, ex-rP Dick will start dropping hints about his assassination squads, and how it's necessary for an American vice president to order people to be whacked at will in order to preserve democracy. It will get more and more blatant. And if THAT doesn't get Obama to drop his pansy stance about "let's not look to the past" then DarkLord Cheney will have to start broadcasting the fact that he cheated to win the 2000 and 2004 preznitial elections. Sometimes you just have to pervert democracy in order to save it from the will of voters who would elect the wrong people.

    The whole purpose is to make this weak whippersnapper Obama try to stop the real man's man. Because then he'll have an exuse to use those assassination squads which are still embedded in the U.S. government. They should EARN the retainers Cheney's still got them on, after all.

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We'll try dumping haloscan and see how it works.