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Wednesday, June 03, 2009

Antichrist will be some kind of underpants pervert

Ron Hamman
Independent Baptist Church of Wasilla

Dear Pastor Harman,

I reckon that nearly half of my militia unit/congregation has read your piece in The Frontiersman and forwarded it to me by now, and I'm glad they did. I think you make a very compelling case, and although it's hard to argue with your assertion that Daniel 11:37 states that the Antichrist will be the gay, I think you are wrong.

Let's take a look at that scripture, again. It says:
Neither shall he [the Antichrist] regard the God of his fathers, nor the desire of women, nor regard any god: for he shall magnify himself above all.
Ok, I'll grant you it says that he won't desire women, but you should also note that is doesn't go on to say he desires men either. In fact, Daniel 11:37 makes no claims as to what makes the Antichrist's horn of iniquity rise up in all its carnal glory.

For that, we have to take a look at Ezekiel 21:21, which states, "For the king of Babylon [the Antichrist] ... looked in the liver." Yes, he said "looked," as in probed, "in the liver." I think you can see where all this is heading: the Antichrist will be one of those liver-in-his-underpants kind of perverts.

You know what I mean: one of those guys who'll buy a bunch of beef liver, wrap it in cellophane, place it in a bowl of water out in the sun to heat up to about 98 degrees, remove it from the bowl, unwrap it, stuff it down his briefs, put on that german shepherd costume Ofjoshua made for him, and do that stand-and-squat exercise thing until he yiffs.

At least that's what Ezekiel 21:21 says to me.

Yes, it's wicked, evil, and just oh so morally wrong, but, he's the Antichrist. It's the kind of thing we expect from him, and it's so much more Antichristy than simple homosexuality. And hey, I bet he's thinking about Todd Palin while he does it. Hard not to when you're wearing a german shepherd costume.

Heterosexually yours,

Gen. JC Christian, patriot

9 comments:

  1. Yeah, to hell w/ Haloscum.

    Those two creatures in the photo are very, very disturbing. The eyes. The giant ears. I wonder where they hide their liver?

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  2. Your letter is written with the (correct) assumption that the Rev never read "Portnoys Complaint". Anyway, we can add biblical scholar to the many accolades for the General.

    Umm, is there anyway I can get the phone number of that "tiger"? Research and all that, you know....

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  3. Wouldn't it have been much easier to use a liverwurst instead of a whole liver? Just askin'.

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  4. If you place liverwurst in your nethers I am afraid the next step will be adding toast, mustard, etc. and that's a whole 'nother costume.

    A couple of notes before I put on my Underdog tights and go on a play date: Pastor Harman states ...there is no greater way to reject the Creator than to reject your gender and his design for it. I think he's confused here: saying yes to Man Ramming is the opposite of rejection, unless its Backwards Talking Day (which it might be). Also, Harman says that Jesus is going to descend from the clouds to fight the armies of wickedness, which is not that impressive when you realize passengers and flight crews descend from the clouds all the time. Shouldn't Jesus do something less prosaic to keep our interest, like jumping out of a volcano or rising out of a toxic swamp? If he's contractually obligated to do the sky diving perhaps he could toss in a few impressions of migratory birds? Just ideas here.

    Lastly, this gay thing sounds awfully exciting: "--in their unbridled lusts they burn for their own gender." So poppin' a woody is a kind of "burn." Some like it hot, I guess.

    ++++

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  5. I will never be able to hear the word "yiffing" again with a straight face. But now that I think about it, I've never heard it before, which is why I had to click on the link. I have a feeling I'll be hearing it soon, though. Probably coming from my own mouth. How am I going to explain that?

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  6. Incidentally, the liver thing is soooo '07.

    It's warm rice pudding now. Preferably, all organic rice pudding that's been shade-grown alongside my pot plants and fertilized with the placenta of aborted Texan babies.

    Get with the times, General.

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  7. Made a quick reply on Twitter -- but once noted, idea is pretty obvious: These homophobe preachers think of homosexuality as this great temptation...but if you're straight, it isn't.

    Deconstructing this, we can see that these preachers must be, themselves, sensing this temptation... and just assume that everybody feels the same way that they do.

    So I guess in Pastor Harman's case, "The Emperor Has No Clothes" (except for a panda costume)...

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  8. MJS: As always, thanks for the clarification.

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  9. As to the homophobic thing with preachers, their fear always seems to be right behind them.

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We'll try dumping haloscan and see how it works.