Help Me Reach 12 on the Manly Scale of Absolute Gender

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Friday, June 12, 2009

He's not the gay

Tom Fetzer
Candidate for North Carolina Republican Party Chair

Peter J. LaBarbera
Americans for Truth

Dear Mr. Fetzer,

I'm a consultant who specializes in helping good conservative politicians who've been accused of being the gay. You may recognize my name. I've offered advice to such notorious heterosexuals as Larry Craig, Bob Allen, and Ted Haggard. I'd like to help you too.

I think you've done a pretty good job of defending yourself, thus far. Filing a lawsuit and mailing angry letters to deny charges that you're the gay is about the best thing one can do; almost as good as denying it in a column like Joseph Farah (who as of the column's publishing date was not the gay--he just likes the mustache) did.

Luckily, you haven't been caught putting some other guy's little soldier in your mouth yet. If you're doing it, stop. As innocent as little soldier gulping can be, it's hard to convince people it's an heterosexual act. They're just not inclined to swallow it.

I think you're now ready to take the next step and prove your heterosexuality by going to battle against the gay. You're new to this, so I'd advise you to team up with a professional anti-the-gay warrior like Peter LaBarbera (I'm copying him in this email as a means of introduction). Peter has a very unique way of taking it to the gay. He like to dress all up in leather and infiltrate their wild parties. He in essence becomes a big gay leather daddy so that he can report on their activities. Sure, he probably takes severe spankings more than he'd like, but it's all part of the danger and excitement of being a sub for Jesus.

So start getting prepared now. Buy a nice pair of assless chaps if you don't already have them, because you never know when Peter will get the itch to penetrate the gay scene.

Heterosexually yours,

Gen. JC Christian, patriot


  1. Hey, it was reported that he almost eloped once. What more evidence do we need to know he's teh hetero?

  2. The eloped thingy is the famous Charlie Crist defense. Every time snoopy reporters intruded into his "affairs", Charlie would get engaged to some mysterious woman who he was loathe to touch, or spend time with for that matter. The engagement would last as long as it took to change the subject.
    I hate to break it to you Felcher,er Feltzer, but you are the gayest looking mayor I have ever seen.

  3. Just because he wears a turtleneck, which is gay slang for an uncircumscribed penis, that doesn't mean he's the least bit gay. He probably hates men. He just likes anal stimulation. What man doesn't? If he could only find a good woman like Gayle Haggard who would give him a good rogering every now and then, he'd toss off that turtleneck and start wearing a wifebeater like most of his former constituents.

  4. I should remind everyone that there are other important ways one can manifest gay-ness other than by wearing leather good or by having sexual relations with members of the same sex.

    Among these:
    Preferring cats to dogs.
    Eating Sushi
    Being Catholic
    Drinking Coffee with Foreign Names
    Believing in Liberty for All

    Also, I gave up my assless chaps in favor of a leather kilt. I thought I should explain this because people keep not recognizing me at scene events.

  5. Well, he is wearing a turtleneck...under an argyle sweater...make that an argyle sweater with cable stitching around the shoulders.

    No way is he teh gay!!

  6. He looks to be younger than 42 years old, so if he's *not* teh gay, why hasn't he signed up for military service????

  7. He's lucky he has you, sir, General, sir.


We'll try dumping haloscan and see how it works.