Candidate for North Carolina Republican Party Chair
Peter J. LaBarbera
Americans for Truth
Dear Mr. Fetzer,
I'm a consultant who specializes in helping good conservative politicians who've been accused of being the gay. You may recognize my name. I've offered advice to such notorious heterosexuals as Larry Craig, Bob Allen, and Ted Haggard. I'd like to help you too.
I think you've done a pretty good job of defending yourself, thus far. Filing a lawsuit and mailing angry letters to deny charges that you're the gay is about the best thing one can do; almost as good as denying it in a column like Joseph Farah (who as of the column's publishing date was not the gay--he just likes the mustache) did.
Luckily, you haven't been caught putting some other guy's little soldier in your mouth yet. If you're doing it, stop. As innocent as little soldier gulping can be, it's hard to convince people it's an heterosexual act. They're just not inclined to swallow it.
I think you're now ready to take the next step and prove your heterosexuality by going to battle against the gay. You're new to this, so I'd advise you to team up with a professional anti-the-gay warrior like Peter LaBarbera (I'm copying him in this email as a means of introduction). Peter has a very unique way of taking it to the gay. He like to dress all up in leather and infiltrate their wild parties. He in essence becomes a big gay leather daddy so that he can report on their activities. Sure, he probably takes severe spankings more than he'd like, but it's all part of the danger and excitement of being a sub for Jesus.
So start getting prepared now. Buy a nice pair of assless chaps if you don't already have them, because you never know when Peter will get the itch to penetrate the gay scene.
Gen. JC Christian, patriot