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Tuesday, June 30, 2009

Simcox's potential Twitter followers replaced by Mexicans

Chris Simcox
Candidate for US Senate

Dear Mr. Simcox,

I've been following your career as a Minuteman leader since the beginning. It's been a glorious career thus far--you'll certainly go down as one of the greatest commanders in the Eternal War to Resubjugate the Brown (Southwest Theater). But with your entry as the teabagger candidate in Arizona's GOP senate primary, I have no doubt your best work is yet to come.

Your campaign has been a joy to watch. Your gutsy, non-traditional campaigning style is something I hope all teabagger-Americans will study and try to emulate. It's a winning strategy for sure.

I'm particularly impressed with your use of social media. Most candidates use Twitter to enlist their supporters to help them grow their base. You've inverted that. Rather than asking your supporters to join twitter to help spread the word, you signed up for a service that promises to get you "tons of followers" who care nothing about your politics, and who are probably not even eligible to vote in Arizona. And by God it worked. You're up to a 244 followers now.

Of course there will be those who are skeptical of such a bold new approach. They'll say it's crazy or call it "batshit insane." They'll argue that "it makes you look desperate and incapable of drawing any support for your candidacy." But what they don't understand is that you have to do it that way. You have no other choice because Mexicans are taking all the follower slots from real, patriotic teabagger-Americans. I think Lou Dobbs has even done a show on it.

I also see you're taking the next step and asking all those new followers to donate to your campaign. That's another gutsy move, but one that is unlikely to yield many contributions. You see, they have no freaking idea who you are. They only followed you because you promised to follow them back. You're not going to see a dime from them.

I have a better fundraising idea. I recently received an email from a Mr. Nicholas Adams who is the son of a cocoa merchant in the Ivory Coast. His father recently died, leaving him $7.5 million, but unfortunately, he's having problems accessing it. He's willing to pay an American partner 15% to help him get it. All he needs is your bank info and a few hundred thousand dollars to facilitate the transfer. I'm thinking you might have that kind of cash on hand from your fence building project. I mean you collected millions to build a border fence and didn't. That money has to be somewhere. It'd just be a temporary loan to Mr. Adams. You'd get the fence money back, plus that extra 15% you could pour into your campaign.

That's a much better idea than relying on your 244 new twitter followers, isn't it.

Well, that's about all the help I can give you today. Good luck.

Heterosexually yours,

Gen. JC Christian, patriot


  1. General Sir!

    If I may offer a word of caution, sir! Clicking this candidates twitter link gets one to a page that starts out with "I just become a member of this awesome site..."...blah, blah blah.

    Sir, what this person becomes at certain moments sounds like a personal issue to be discussed between him and his doctor. I don't think we should be exploring this with him right now, even if he asks us to. He probably just needs to rest by himself.

  2. General, Sir:

    I went to that link about his, ummm, "creative" financial dealings. He had some ardent supporters there. It it truly wonderful that the mental health departments of the various states are able to set up computer/internet privileges for the unfortunates who might otherwise be gnawing on their the boxing gloves to free their hands so that they might go on abusing themselves.

    Is it just me, Sir, or does "Simcox" sound like some sort of 2nd Life whanker fantasy site?

  3. Why don't we call people who mis-use twitter "twits." It seems to fit also it lends itself to the acronym Totally Worthless Incompetent Tickbrain.

  4. Ah..."Beer Guts Across America" for Senate!

  5. Tickbrain!!!!! I loves it!

  6. Dearest Gabacho Simcox,
    I don't need no stinking Twitter!!


We'll try dumping haloscan and see how it works.