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Friday, July 03, 2009

The Opinuary Column

The Opinion Global Warming is a sham, a vast conspiracy promulgated by scientists who want to jerk with just about everybody who is trying to make a buck, but Abrahaminic religions are sacrosanct and worthy of the unyielding devotion of billions of humanoids has died a profoundly messy, feverish and tidal-surging death of epic proportions. It is commonly known that the Bronze Age metaphysical assertions that God = the ineffable source, Man ≠ God, and that God is separate from Nature makes most of the family bored out of their fucking skulls by the time their third can of PBR cascades down to the bottom of their throat-canal. This tiresome subject is the dud in the 4th of July Family Pack, and should be disposed of by a FOX News intern.

Family of the Opinion believe that talking about religion is taboo not merely because feelings will be hurt but because the nature of such discussions usually deposit one into a vague and gauzy land of indistinct and non-quantifiable assertions, and unless you yell something threatening like "Jesus will cut your dick off" to the commie queer across the street it really is a rather tired and perfunctory exercise--though yelling at strangers will at least increase your heart rate. One's core belief in a bellicose Jewish deity who mates with a teenager to create a savior who will stave off his father's desire to burn your ass for eternity for the crime of having been created is dubious only to those who have not ceased to incorporate oxygen into their lungs, where said oxygen can then be distributed throughout the body via the vascular system and ultimately keep the brain from turning into a gravied plate of Zombie Loaf.

The Opinion's strength was also its weakness, as it consisted of making material assertions about a supernatural deity while ignoring measurable, peer-reviewed data about climate change, a great one-two punch of daffy cognitive dissonance at its most punchable. Were this an honest nation the Dropping Jaw Catcher 6000 would be the best selling facial recovery sling on the market, and by golly, everybody with a prehensile thumb that is not on prostate patrol knows it.

The Opinion, which has combined conspiratorial fear with infantile gullibility for nigh on three decades, will be cremated in the Fires of Satan Brothers Crematory (Bring the Kids!), after which its ashes are to be scattered over Christian Polar Bears as they drown in the waters of The Great White North. The Family of the Opinion has no idea this column even exists, so you probably don't even have to buy flowers. If you feel guilty send me a check and I will pretend to pray for you.


The Opinuary Column appears Friday afternoons at Jesus' General.



  1. It's funny that a sham opinion died the same week as Billy Mays. I wonder if there's any connection and whether we'll get a Sham-Wow opinion to replace it.

  2. It is surely no coincidence that Sarah (Dan Quayle) Palin announces her impending resignation on the exact date of the publication of this opinion.

    It is all due to the machinations of teh General, teh D. Letterman and the WNBA.

    Basketball is not a very Christian or Patriotic Sport.

  3. The check is in the mail. You may start pretending with profuse pretend prayers immediately, as that maybe the only thing that works, "real ones" have failed so far with the conscious or anything else. Thanks in advance.

  4. Mr. mjs, Sir:

    I am currently thumbing through a prospectus for the Midnight Sun'N'Surf Resort on the glistening (from a small fraction of the oil, which misses the mark of the pipeline, so to speak) sands of Prudhoe Bay on the balmy Beaufort Sea. You speak of this "Global Warming" as if it were, A.) True and 3.) Undesirable. Well, let me just ask one question, Sir; now that those schwarze santeriists and teh GAY have taken over Havana and Gommorah del Norte (you know it as Miami, FL) where's a whitesome delightsome KKKristian s'posed to go to vakay?

    I have it on good authority (I consider myself to be, at LEAST, impeccably honest) that Sarah the Impalinator as guv'nor of Alaskasa to
    open her business as a tour guide, offering homicidotourists, (like exVP DorkLordCheney) an opportunity to use a Barrett XM500 Sniper Rifle to reach out and touch a swimming Polar Bear from the pitching deck of a modified Donzi cigarette boat. Talley Ho!!!!! Now you know if that Barret can take out a Jihadi machine gun nest that it will turn the worlds foremost land/marine predator into a heap of Ursus maritimus tartare in short order. HOOOOOOOOOOOO-AHH!!!


We'll try dumping haloscan and see how it works.