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Friday, January 01, 2010

The Opinuary Column



The Opinion "God really wants to hang out with you for eternity after you shuffle off your mortal coil" has died. God wants to do no such thing. As a matter of fact, God is so profoundly depressed by the prospect of being forced to listen to the endless chattering of millions of mind-bogglingly stupid people as to be suicidal--God has already written the goodbye note and begun buying essentials on credit cards, as God has no intention of making good on any purchases after the pills kick in.

The Opinion was born back when humans wanted to be liked and loved by just about anything that wasn't trying to eat them. We wanted our dogs to love us, and if the cats didn't shred the loveseat that was proof enough that the felines were all goo-goo about us: we were the useful idiots who fed them and cleaned up their hairballs and feces, etc. We had a function that produced dependence, if not actual love, but no matter: humans wanted to be loved almost as much as we wanted to fight and be petty and cruel and abusive. If love didn't come quickly to our ancestors they would rapidly devolve into irritated guttersnipes in a heartbeat, all claws and screaming and cussing--like Dallas on a Saturday night. When our ancestors did construct a personal deity (designed to give their spiritual resume a much desired boost) it was only natural that the deity love them most especially--that the God in question would coincidentally hate the tribes that they hated was icing on the ego pie. God's hatred of people different from us made everyone feel even more loved. Good times.

As of this writing, friends and family of the Opinion are in a foul mood, searching about for new enemies to rail against, for new foes to bomb and hack to pieces, new evidence that some elitist academic is jerking their chain with fancy, recondite thoughts and such, and that's as it should be. A service for the late Opinion is tentatively scheduled for next week, but don't expect God to show up: the one true lord is not looking forward to any more company, thank you very much, so don't come knocking on the door anytime soon. God suggests that in lieu of flowers everybody could just shut the fuck up and go to hell.

Happy Goddamn New Year!

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The Opinuary Column appears every Friday at Jesus' General.

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17 comments:

  1. Happy Motherfucking New Year!

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  2. Mr. mjs, Sir:

    Oh, sure, he's dead, NOW! What about when all of the pharisees are calling in the decorators and having the stone nameplate on his door sandblasted with the name of the new executive director and, while they're shitcanning the old corporate plans & policies and replacing them with a "newer covenant", who should walk in but HIM. Man, talk about a turd in the punchbowl!

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  3. And you know what Hell is? Being stuck on a netherworldly bus FOREVER, listening to the cellphone conversations of those blathering, self-absorbed inane-iots, talking in their over-loud "Can you hear me now?" voices. There would be dozens of them in the seats around you, and half of them would whiff faintly of urine or the feces they couldn't fully wipe from their ass because they were too fat to really reach around with the toilet paper. And because it's Hell, you'd be fully paying attention in the moment, unable to zone out or read a newspaper. Hell is just that way.

    Yeah, God set it up that way just before He stuck His head in the oven. Because He listened to those aggravating whingers for too long before He offed Himself, and became a little bit like them...

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  4. Bukko: Hell is a form of focused attention.

    ++++

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  5. Maybe God didn't really off himself. Maybe he is living under a new name in another and exotic universe. Yeah, leaving the demanding, whining, neurotically destructive family behind is completely understandable. It would be interesting to know if he kept his money in offshore or Swiss banks unknown to (and out of reach of) his 'family', but available to anyone with the right access codes.

    The way I see it, none of the sniveling, whining, sanctimonious assholes who say they follow him are worth dying for.

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  6. Mark Twain noted God's earlier coping mechanism in Captain Stormfield's visit to heaven...

    Down there they talk of the heavenly King - and that is right - but then they go right on speaking as if this was a republic and everybody was on a dead level with everybody else, and privileged to fling his arms around anybody he comes across, and be hail-fellow-well-met with all the elect, from the highest down. How tangled up and absurd that is! How are you going to have a republic under a king?

    http://www.pagebypagebooks.com/Mark_Twain/Captain_Stormfields_Visit_to_Heaven/Chapter_II_p5.html

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  7. Your political ideology? All wrong. Same with hardcore Republicans. We must return to Jesus, stop our bickering, stop abortion, stop homosexuality, then, God shall have mercy on U.S. If we don't, we'll pay a most severe price. God bless.

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  8. KKf:

    Fuck you and your GOD.

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  9. KKF,

    The very people who want to stop abortion, who rally against homosexuality, call themselves born again, and have recently made war in multiple places on this planet, have brought us to being as close to being a destroyed nation as we have ever been. You and your ilk had eight years to demonstrate what you preach. Look what we have to show for it.

    Fuck you and the keyboard you rode in on.

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  10. KKF,

    I haven't actually stated a political ideology here but I have relayed the news that the idea of spending eternity with a bunch of braying, intellectually incurious humanoids depresses the theological construct known as god no end. Think about it: after a couple madcap minutes of robe kissing and group hosannas in a bronze age version of Magic Land, what on earth does a True Believer have to offer that which is the alpha and omega of the manifested universe? God would sooner vanish entirely than face eternity hanging out with millions of congenital oafs.

    Somebody has to tell the truth once in a while, just to keep in shape.

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  11. mjs, you must be in fantastic shape!

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  12. Happy New Year...
    I am news blogger for 2daynewsupdates.blogspot.com . I regularly updating my blog with current news. If you link to my blog it will be more useful to me.. can you give link to me?

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  13. The imaginary Heaven (which mjs inveighs against) is that of a dog licking his master's face, over and over, for all of eternity...

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  14. Dear Today News Updates: I love you long time now.

    ++++

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  15. You mean God isn't the Big Guy with the big bag of dope at the '60s Love-In?

    Shit, I was sooooo waiting for that...

    P.S. Happy New Year!

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  16. How about the opinion "There is a God" has passed due to complications of its own ridiculousness?

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  17. Damn! As usual, the prose is sublime.

    Happy goddam New Year to you!

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We'll try dumping haloscan and see how it works.