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Friday, July 09, 2010

The Opinuary Column

The Opinion "Rush Limbaugh would have been a multi-millionaire radio personality and de facto leader of conservatism in the United States had he not been white" has perished while vacationing in the mouth of an underage hooker in the Dominican Republic. It was a tiny death.

The Opinion, born during a full white-ass moon in Cracker County, Missouri, was raised primarily on a steady diet of pork rinds, draft deferments and unvarnished hatred of the real world. During the 1980s it learned that it could make poor white boys' peckers get hard if it talked in an incessantly truculent and churlish tone about "the other" without ever revealing the basic insight that we are all "the other" to someone. In its later years the Opinion relied more heavily on balls-out racism to excite the otherwise torpid and increasingly disenfranchised white male listeners that masturbated to the fuhrer's furor with harder strokes but less deliverance. Hey, we all get old or die or both, understand?

In lieu of flowers the family of the Opinion asks that you suspect everyone you meet of being where they are in life is a direct result of their skin color: a random homeless guy, the young woman pushing a stroller at the park, the EMT who is thumping on your chest and sweeping the back of your throat for stuck Cheetos, the gas station attendant, the clerk at the grocery store (where you bought the Cheetos), the postal office worker, the previous 43 election winners who made President of the United States (every single one was a sort of pasty, milkish hue, except that sun worshiping Catholic from Harvard).

We must now accept that everyone in life occupies their relative slot because of their skin color, and the porcine bloviator known as Rush Limbaugh is no exception. Had he been born black or brown or yellow he'd have to listen to some self-satisfied dung-tosser tell him why so-and-so has more money or women than he does, and why he shouldn't respect him or anyone else that is different from him. A brown or yellow or black Rush would have told such an insufferable demagogue to go fuck himself, if he had any self-respect, but it's possible that self-respect is no longer earned but merely purchased. Rush may be a whore but he is a very big whore, and when he rolls over you want to be out of his way. And you can bet when he's pushing up daisy's they will be white ones.


The Opinuary Column appears most Fridays at Jesus' General.



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  2. And you can bet when he's pushing up daisy's they will be white ones.

    Not always; nature has a way of sneaking in black-eyed susans when you're not watching...

    Have a good weekend, all.

  3. "It was a tiny death."

    So glad I wasn't taking a sip of coffee right there. Well played. The rest of the post was just gravy.

  4. Mr. mjs, Sir:

    I remember well my first experience of hearing the Rushfuck on AM radio. I was working for a company in the power transmission biz (belts, bearings, etfuckingcetera) and had to make some joint calls with a belting mfr. rep. After we had a delightful seafood luncheon in the beautiful--if somewhat devestated--city of Gloucester, MA we were riding back to my office and he turned on the radio. I was bracing myself for KKKristianist KKKant (there was a nondarwinfish on the dashboard of his minivan) but what I got, instead, was batshit KKKrazee of a type I had not heard since Joe Pine's unlamented demise.

    Rush lied, my driver pumped his fist and ejaculated, "Ditto, ditto, ditto" and I thought to myself, "I wonder how tough it is to get vomit out of the dash vents?". Thankfully it was the last time I ever saw the rep and the last time I was forced to listen to the lying cocksucker that he was so inordinately proud of.

    I'm sorry, have I used offensive language?--well, he is a liar and almost certainly a boyfucker, so there.

  5. I'm sure El Rushblo's African-Blackmerican listeners would disagree. Both of them. (Although one is a bedridden fellow in a nursing home whose radio is left turned to a Rushian radio station by a white nurse's aide who likes to hang out there while shirking her actual job duties.)

    But seriously, does it matter what people listen to the God of the Radio Waves? The Giant One has been blessed by CORPORATE America! Corpos, whether they sell things or own radio stations, have decided to pay him $400 million over the course of his 10-year contreich. And every patriotikkk kkkonservative knows that that the amount you're paid is the best measure of how valuable a human being you are.

    Kkkorporations are never wrong! They are the source of all that is good. They give us jobs, without which our lives would be meaningless. Corporations give us food, alcohol, antidepressants and porn -- everything except illegal drugs comes from corporations. Hollow be thy names, which are legion!

    If kkkorporations have bestowed their munificence on the Rushster (unlike that infiltrator Jeff Farias, who befouled Teh Gen'ls site with his ad, but has lately gone off the airwaves due to financial broke-assedness) then we are blessed to be allowed to listen to him.

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We'll try dumping haloscan and see how it works.