Of Confederates and Bigfoots

General K. Steven Monk
Commander, Confederate States Home Guard
Director, Georgia Bigfoot Society

Dear Gen. Monk,

After looking at your bigfoot and Confederate militia sites, I suspect you share my suspicions about the link between the two. There is ample evidence to suggest that the US Southern Occupation Command is using sasquatch to humiliate the sons of the Confederacy. I've experienced it myself.

It was February 2nd, 2002. My militia was camped at Clear Creak in western Box Elder County, UT. We were celebrating the 150th anniversary of Territorial Governor Brigham Young's signing of the "An Act in Relation to Service," the bill that made Utah a slave territory.

It was a very traditional party. We supped all day on the food of our (Mormon) people. The red punch and Postum flowed like the Bear River in May, and the green jello salad was piled as high as Hill Commorrah. Confederate flags flew alongside the Beehive Standard of Deseret all across the camp and the song, "Dixie," rang out everywhere. It was a happy and joyous day.

Cleetus and I crawled into our sleeping bag at about 9:30--it's cold in Northern Utah in February, so I instructed the troops to sleep together for warmth. There was nothing wrong with that no matter what Cletis says. And besides, Cletis is a God damned liar...and I was high as a kite on Postum...wasn't in full control of my faculties...Cletis can go to hell!

Anyway, I was awakened at about 11:30 by Sheila, our morale sheep. She was screaming in that way only a sheep can scream. It's an unearthly sound, the kind that sends ice-cold fingers of lightening down your spinal column. I woke Cletis, and we ran over to where Sheila was tethered to see what was going on.

As we approached, we saw a half a dozen sasquatch taunting Sheila. They had untied her little Confederate flag bow and were rubbing it all over their secret parts. The largest one had a big ape-like smirk on his face and the kind of glint in his eye that signaled he was thinking of taking advantage of Sheila's morale building skills.

I couldn't allow that. It would be perverted and immoral. God made man, not bigfoot, the sheep's steward. It's unnatural for a bigfoot to enjoy morale building activities with a sheep. So I picked up a rock and threw it.

The rock didn't hurt him. It just pissed him off. He grabbed us by the arms and dragged us into the trees. The other bigfoots followed, using Confederate flags they had torn down to do that towel snap thing on our naked butts.

Eventually we came to a clearing. Using crude hand signals, the sasquatch commanded us to dance the Hokey Pokey--yes, it sounds bizarre, but think about it. It's a northern dance. What better way to humiliate a pair of Confederates?

The bigfoots violated us in unspeakable ways as we danced that Hokey Pokey. I'd "put my right foot in," and bam, a sasquatch would forcibly spelunk in my cave of shame. Then, he'd give a loud bigfoot scream in delight as I "shook it all about."

They continued abusing us through every part of the dance: the right foot, the left foot, the right hand, the left hand--all of it--and then they made us do it again, over and over until daybreak. It was horrible. It was humiliating.

I understand my story sounds incredible. Even my men had a hard time believing it after we stumbled, bowlegged and bleeding, into the camp that morning. That's why I haven't told it until now. But I assure you...I swear to you on the blood of our Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ, that it is true, and that it's not an excuse I made up to explain Cletis and my physical conditions that morning. I'm sure you'll believe me if you think about it. You seem to grasp the connection between sasquatch and forces of occupation.

Heterosexually yours,

Gen. JC Christian, patriot

Elsewhere: A patriot shoots two immoral fornicating sasquatch and marvels at their secret parts.